I have migraines. It’s officially official. Day before yesterday, I was sitting at my desk at work. The words started looking a little blurry so I stood up and rubbed my eyes. Didn’t work. I went to the restroom and looked in the mirror. My right eye was GONE. G-O-N-E. Not there. Couldn’t see it at all. Just an empty space where my eye should have been. I could see it out of my peripheral but not looking dead on. I went to the kitchen to get some water and told my boss what was going on. She suggested I go to the eye doctor to get it checked out but my luck it would be over before I got there. So I went into my office, shut the door, turned off the lights and monitor, and shut the curtains. I sat in the dark for about 15 minutes, then the aura came. It started small but got bigger and blocked out the middle of my field of sight. Zigzag lines surrounded a blurry patch. So, I knew it was a migraine. Up to that point, I only ever got ocular migraines. 40 minutes later, the headache came. I went and got some migraine medicine from my coworker because he gets them too and another coworker had one the other day and bummed some medicine from him. It didn’t work. After waiting for almost an hour for it to pass, I finally decided to go home. When I got home, I took aspirin. Didn’t work. I slept for like 3 hours and woke up feeling exhausted but no headache. Around 7:45 that night, it came back. I freaked out and went to CVS to check my blood pressure. It was fine so I just bought some ibuprofen and a hot/cold pack, came home, and laid down. The headache didn’t go away and I just passed out at 1:00. I woke up the next morning feeling okay. I went to work and around 11:00, it came back. I toughed it out at work but it got progressively worse throughout the day. Finally, I was over it by about 10:00. I went to the ER and they gave me a cocktail of meds. I don’t know how to explain how that shit made me feel. It was a combination of benadryl, nausea medicine, and migraine medicine. The benadryl made me feel like I was slipping into a coma, however, the migraine medicine had me feeling like I was ready to run a marathon. At the same time. Add to that the fact that the hospital was FREEZING, i’m under three heated blankets and still miserably cold, the IV was uncomfortable…… and yeah…. I was ready to rip the IV out and go home. Felt like pure TORTURE. No joke. Couldn’t escape how horrible it felt. I went home and passed out. Today I still have a headache but it’s not as bad. So I definitely need to see the neurologist and get some migraine meds. I found out that my great grandmother Katie had migraines. She was also a hypochondriac and every time I would freak out growing up my dad would remind me that gran-Katie lived to be 101 years old but thought she had every illness under the sun lol. I really don’t want to deal with migraines. I think caffeine is starting to trigger them. The first time I had one, Kevin switched our coffee brand. I blamed it on the new brand and never drank it again. This time, we got a new keurig and switched the coffee again. Boom. Migraine. I need to just ditch coffee. It’s totally not worth the hell i’ve been through the past three days.
I am getting old. I look old. It’s crazy because my brain just can’t reconcile it. I don’t feel old. I look my age but I just don’t feel it. I still feel so young. Don’t patronize me lol I know i’m young, i’m not dumb. Well, maybe a little. But I feel YOUNG young. Can’t explain it. I don’t feel like I am that age that teens and young 20 somethings consider “grown ass woman old enough to be my mama”. But, technically, I am old enough to be a grandmother. That’s fucked up yo lol. How in the hell did I get here?
Soooooo…. I am a people person. As in, I enjoy people…. am fascinated by them…. VERY intrigued by the way they tick. Something as simple as someone sharing an interesting quote…. (my friend shared this one yesterday: It is better to be a warrior in a garden than a gardener in a war. GTFO. YES.) and I just wonder what made him share it? How does he identify with it? Is that who he is or just who he wants to be? And that makes me wonder what his favorite songs are. What books does he read? Etc. Another friend of mine is really crafty and she makes these super cool signs and I just wonder what her process is when she picks out supplies. How does she feel when she is painting? What does it remind her of? JUST SO INTERESTED! I love looking at people’s photos. I especially love reading their thoughts…. love seeing what they write about. LOVE seeing their drawings! It’s so personal. These things are personal. You have to be vulnerable to share. I find it to be so special when someone shares a personal detail about their life.
I have to accept that not all people are the same and we need that balance….. I have to remind myself of that…. because I get really annoyed when people are all like, “I don’t want people all up in my business, not everyone needs to see this/know this” etc…. Especially when it comes to sharing their art or opinions/views. Music, writing, drawings, creations, thoughts….. it’s beautiful that people are capable of such amazing things but sad that so many are so fucking jaded and closed off that they feel other people aren’t worth sharing with. But they consume the beauty of others. They consume without giving back. Everything you fucking own came from someone’s intimate thoughts. The shirt you’re wearing, the sheets you sleep on, that book you love so much, your favorite show, even the house you call home. Those were once dreams. Far fetched dreams that they were bold enough to make reality. And you take it. You take it all and give nothing back. And some even have the audacity to judge others for sharing the things they do. Is it not your cup of tea? Is that why you judge? It’s different when your favorite author puts out a new book full of his/her ideas but when someone posts their deepest thoughts and opinions on social media, it’s obnoxious? GTFO. Isn’t that why you don’t share? You don’t want to be judged? Or is it because the world isn’t worth it? Or do you think it’s not good enough? What is it? Imagine if the entire world shared that philosophy, whatever it is that motivates you to lock your soul up like fort knox…. What would the world be like?
But, I get it….. not everyone is the same. Everyone has their own way. Understandable. But damn, think before you judge someone else for “oversharing”. Or putting “way too much out there”. What harm does it do? That people know you? That they know the truth? Is it not truth? Is this not who you are? Why try to control how people take it? Just give it and feel good about knowing you were here on this planet and you fucking gave something to it…. even if that something was a silly blurb about a passing thought you had at 7:30 on a Wednesday morning….. it’s something.
Btw, I literally own rose colored glasses lol:
Oh, those flowers? My boss got them for me! I was already having a good day when she came in with the bouquet and said, “I just wanted you to know I truly appreciate you.” It meant the world to me. I can only thank God for that job….well, thank my sister and the people who hired me lol…. but you get it. I thank God I can work at a place like that. They are all seriously wonderful people. The owner and his wife are truly beautiful people with such big hearts. My boss is so incredibly selfless and genuine and thoughtful and hardworking…. I admire her so much…. All of my coworkers are fabulous people…. and I love, love, LOVE working with my sister. I just love working there. I’m convinced i’d be okay shoveling shit for a living if it meant working with people like that bunch. It makes all the difference when you’re surrounded by great people. It makes me want to do a good job. I want to add value to that place and benefit the people around me. I used to work at piece-of-shit places where people only worked for a paycheck, did the bare minimum they could to get by, just didn’t care about their contribution….. and to go from that to working around people who actually WANT to contribute something, not just work to make a paycheck and do a half-ass job….. i’m just grateful for that.
Is that plant not absolutely GLORIOUS?!?!?!?!?! No. You don’t understand. It is so pretty. The underside is purple and velvety and the top of the leaves are deep, dark, velvety green. So, so pretty.
Okay well I just got a new blogging camera so i’m going to test it out. It’s so good. The quality is so crisp. I wanted to get a better camera for taking pics as well but the one I was eyeing didn’t have the flip up selfie screen and I NEED that for vlogging to make sure i’m in frame and the white balance is good and pic isn’t blown out, etc…. maybe in the future I could get a badass camera because i’ve really started to take an interest in photography. I’d like to at least try. For now, my iPhone and this camera will have to do. They won’t be top notch quality photos but at least they’ll mean something to me.
I can’t believe I can say “Back when I used to ride out to Cudi” like it’s something in the distant past but….. IT IS…… time goes by sooooooo fast:( Kid Cudi, Kanye, Jim Jones, STAHPIT. That whole era. Probably the last of decent rap. Maybe i’m just old. I am old.)