Cipher

I wonder how much time of my life I have spent staring at a white screen and a blinking cursor….

When a container is filled to the brim, it’s almost impossible to get anything out without making a mess. That’s where i’m at. There’s so many things in there that the extraction process would require more than i’m willing to give at the moment…. more than I have to give, really.

And I am okay, for sure. I kind of enjoy knowing that this is so normal and so many people feel this because it is so much a part of life. It’s just a little unsettling when I can’t spend a whole lot of time being reflective because there’s just no headspace for it…. It’s like trying to navigate through a crowded train or something like I can’t really move in any direction without bumping into someone…. something…. some thought….

When I find a moment to zone out, I imagine soft things…. effortless things…. weightless things…. like i’m sitting here feeling like i’m trying to swim underwater with ankle weights on. I just feel so heavy….. like the ground isn’t solid enough and i’m going to sink and keep sinking until I reach the point where i’m in a state of perpetual sinking, endless, ongoing sinking…… but then I imagine it all melting away. I imagine the weight leaving my body and I am now weightless and I am floating and I feel nothing. The breeze doesn’t even carry me, it passes through me. I am affected by nothing and I affect nothing. I am so alpha and omega, so point of origin and and completion, so all encompassing that I am full ofΒ nothing…… no faces, no names, no descriptions, no direction, no lies, no truth, no emotion, no colors, no light or darkness, so empty of everything that I am empty of empty, so full of nothing that I become nothing, I am nothing….. I am not even in a tear in space nor time because all of that, everything passes through me….. I don’t observe. I don’t experience. I am not aware. I…….

Am staring at a white screen and a blinking cursor…..

Kevin: What is it?

Me: Oh, it’s a Ryan Adams song called “Too tired to cry” and it is life right now…..

(replays 6 times…..)

(7)

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