*Hiraeth

I have to run a marathon tomorrow that is shopping for back to school clothes because I suck as a parent and always wait until the last minute. My sister and I will be getting pedicures after because we did this same thing last year and it was PAINFUL lol.

When I think about some of the things i’ve written on this blog I cringe, which is why I routinely make a lot of my posts private. I just get in my feelings sometimes and it usually comes off as being very dramatic and I guess I just have to accept that that’s who I am. It still makes me cringe tho lol.

I am dramatic. I cannot help it.

That’s the warning. It’s about to be a cringe factory up in here.

I was trying to get a little cat nap in earlier because operations were shutting down, i’m so freaking tired. Sometimes I recall a feeling and a memory pops in my head. Something triggers it. I can’t explain how it works. I just feel this sense of familiarity and then my senses are taken over by a memory. So the other day, I felt a familiar feeling and suddenly smelled my grandparent’s old house in VA. And I remembered standing on the dining room floor in a spot where the sun was beaming through the window so it was cold. I was just….. there, idk. That’s why I zone out so much it’s like I sometimes don’t even have control of my thoughts, they just parade through my head at the most random times. And the feeling I felt…. there isn’t a name for it. I think it’s just the feeling of being there. Being me, being who I was, being in that moment, that sense of being as if it is very much present. Not happy, not sad, not nostalgic, just….. that. Can’t explain it. So I was laying down earlier and I had another familiar feeling. I was suddenly on the front porch of a friends house, dead in the middle of summer, hot as hell. Music blasting, bass thumping in my chest, laughter, the smell of sweltering heat….. and I was there. So I started to think about how strong these feelings are. Like i’m being transported back in time. I don’t talk about this to anyone because sometimes when I talk about stuff like this….. stuff that seems perfectly normal….. they’ll look at me funny and it’s like I had no idea that this wasn’t normal. Like my dreams. When I tell people about my dreams. I used to think it was so common because, well, it happens to me, why not? But then people make jokes about it and it’s not that i’m being overly sensitive but I guess it gets a little annoying. So I don’t even know how normal it is for me to feel like I am feeling because I….. okay I just asked Kevin and so yeah anyway I thought how weird it was for this random memory to pop in my head and for me to be so fully immersed in a moment so insignificant…. so I visualize a lot and I thought it would be cool to sort of walk through my memories…. not like I had anything else to do at the moment. So I imagined I was walking through a house. The house was falling apart. I walked into a room and was in a memory. In the first one, I was outside of my best friend’s boyfriend’s house with all of our guy friends. It was night time. We were sitting on the hood of the car, listening to music, drinking and laughing. I walked out of that memory, back down the hall, opened another door and it was when Judea was a baby. I could even smell the lip gloss I used to wear back then. It was freaking crazy. I walked back into the hallway, through another door, and I was in my old room on Jammes Rd. It was when we first moved in and I was listening to music and organizing things on my shelves. I could smell the pledge. The sun was hot coming through the windows. Everything about it felt like 1996. I guess by that time, I was getting really tired and out of it because before I fell asleep, I just remember seeing flashes of ALL KINDS of memories and it felt like I was in a tunnel and shit was projected on the walls or something and I was just speeding through….. crazy…. and the last thing I remember before knocking out completely was getting really emotional and thanking God for every memory I have.

It was dumb and pointless at the time but damn…. something as simple as sitting in an uncomfortable school desk, tapping my pen and watching the kids playing at recess outside…… it just sticks with you. And how scary to think that these moments, once they’re gone, they are gone forever. And when I feel a certain way, sometimes….. I just want to run full speed through the time warp and be there again…. and tell myself and tell everyone about the future. Like, “Holy shit, you guys aren’t going to fucking believe this. Donald Trump is President and Snoop Dog has a cooking show with Martha Stewart.” Β And we’d all laugh and laugh and listen to Smashing Pumpkins and just…… live. Just be there. Slow days. All of the time in the world. Sometimes I really dread this intense connection I have with the past because it feels like I am not even real.

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