I do not care.

I think i’m at the point in this blog where the blog, as a whole, makes me feel stupid. Kind of like going to the club with a friend who made a poor fashion choice. Have you ever been in that situation with a friend?

It’s cute but it doesn’t fit.

It’s cute…… but it doesn’t fit.

Yes, it’s really cute. It still doesn’t fit you.

No, I agree. It’s cute. It just doesn’t really fit.

My blog is annoying. And tactless.

I watched an alien documentary the other night and they’re all pissing me off. It’s getting out of control. They had some really well-spoken, credible speakers on there…. and the whole thing would have been pretty useful…. but there was this one lady. Why do they do that? They throw a hatchet into the whole damn thing by bringing on one lady who is batshit crazy. She was abducted as a child. But it gets better. She was abducted because she wasn’t from this planet in the first place. She is from somewhere else. I don’t know where. She doesn’t know where. No one knows where this fucking star child came from. But she CLEARLY had breast implants and lip enhancements. Why would they do that? As the documentary progressed, she started getting weirder and weirder. You know how people on pills act? Their eyes get really wide and they could be telling you about the shape of the cereal they had that morning but they will act like they are letting you in on top secret information. That’s how she acted. And when she finished her final statement, she said, “I’m sorry, but I have to go.” And I face palmed.

I can’t handle people that make me feel embarrassed for them. It sounds so fucked up and i’m usually so easy to get along with, it’s really easy for me to relate to pretty much everyone. But as shitty as it sounds, sometimes I look at people and wonder how they ended up the way they did. Like…… who were the key players in your life that made you the way that you are lol. I understand that sounds really mean. I’m sorry. Here. Check this out. This is Trailer Trash Tammy. She’s actually a really normal lady but this is the act she does for Vine or whatever. Tammy is the fucking BEST because she perfectly describes that kind of awkward person i’m talking about. Where you can’t help but to look at them in total disbelief:

(very, very vulgar. You’ve been warned.)

I cannot handle her and that fucking Big Gulp LOL!

But seriously, this is the kind of people i’m talking about. Where you just look at them and sort of think, “What conditions had to be present in order to produce……you.” I was shopping the other day and I unfortunately ended up with nearly $100 worth of skin care products which don’t work. But don’t tell my husband that. Anyway, there was this lady in there with her son, I guess. He looked like he was three. She was pushing him in the shopping cart and she was SCREAMING at him. That’s one of those things that I will never, ever understand. She is alone. With her child. In a department store. And she is SCREAMING. At the child. Who is three. And she had this look on her face like she dared anyone to question her behavior. If she behaves that way in a department store, I can only imagine how she acts at home. How did that happen?

No, this isn’t where I wanted to go this morning.

I just sometimes think people are crazy, that’s all. I think i’m the normal one and everyone else is completely insane. Which scares me because I am too aware of the possibility that it is the other way around.

When I start getting uncomfortable…..when shit stops making sense…. when weird things happen or I become aware of weird things….. things that make no sense….. it makes me feel like flipping out. I get in that mood where I literally take nothing serious. A lot of things make me uncomfortable. This makes me uncomfortable:



I could only imagine what sort of conversations I could have with this guy. Endless fucking possibilities. But it still makes me uncomfortable. Imagine sitting in a coffee shop with him at the table next to you. Probably doing something obnoxiously weird, like sculpting something out of polymer clay or whatever. It would be one of those situations where you pretend to be looking around the room every five seconds just to lowkey scope out his situation, see what sort of set-up he has. Better yet, when you have a friend with you and you are both looking each other in the eye, while talking about this dude, but intentionally not moving your head to look in his direction. I’m judging him, for sure. He looks like the fucking rabbit from alice in wonderland. I’m literally dying to know what the story behind his pocket watch is. And you know….. he knows he’s out of control. He knew he was out of control the minute he rolled those pants up. He knows what time it is. And don’t you hate having to walk that tight rope with people? You don’t want to be perceived as intolerant and you know you’re not a total conformist but how can people seriously expect you to not be the least bit……alarmed? No, that’s not it. ummm… confused, maybe? Idk….. when this cat stops you and asks for directions to the nearest Walmart. Can you imagine this guy in Walmart? Be for real. What if this guy came into your job? I live in an offbeat neighborhood, I see weird shit all the time, i’m used to seeing weird shit. But i’m still judging lol.

I just need to ramble right now because i’m in a really crazy mood and I feel like everyone has lost their damn minds. You don’t have to read this, it’s not like i’m holding a gun to your head. Damn.

So, i’ve been talking to my sister and we have agreed that we are going to the club soon. Full on club whore. I need it in my life for just one fucking night. I need to feel in control of my life and my choices and I intend on doing that by decking out in the raunchiest shit imaginable and dancing my ass off in a disgusting night club. And I am not going to blow guys off by telling them i’m married. Why? Because i’m fucking married and that would be too easy. I plan on grossing them out. I’m already working on the strategy. I will ask a guy to pull my finger and he will do it, thinking i’m joking, but I won’t be joking. And I get extra points for wearing a skirt. I level up if I can make it flutter. Or like during casual conversation, I could pick my nose, roll it, and flick it while maintaining direct eye contact at all times. It’s going to be fucking glorious. Makes me think of this song when I envision scenarios like that:

I’m not kidding about the club, though. I already told Kevin. I think he’s okay with it. I’m making this happen. I don’t like feeling like i’ve totally settled into a comfortable life. It makes me feel weird. Sometimes you just need to break character and routine and do something different. Nothing wrong with that. As long as it’s not illegal or immoral, we’re good.

Hey, we have this flowered vase we got as a wedding gift. It’s cute but it’s a bitch to keep clean. And so, sometimes, I fantasize about the different ways I could break it so I have one less responsibility in life. When I think about the time in my life I will invest into making sure that vase is clean, it kind of pisses me off. “Congrats on the marriage, guys! Here’s another lifetime commitment in the form of an inanimate object that will never match your decor, won’t properly fit a bouquet of flowers, won’t tell you you’re pretty or make you coffee in the morning. Have fun cleaning it forever!” So I just sometimes picture accidentally knocking it off the table. “Oh, damn. Oops. Let me clean this up real quick. Bummer.”

I think i’m losing my fucking mind. Sorry you read this far.


You know what? I think i’m on a roll. I’m going to express myself in the form of a haphazard music selection.

I tried to be as random as possible. I don’t know how successful I was. And i’m sorry if I crashed your computer. Mine is crashing right now. Bye.


Anywhere I go there you are

I had three dreams last night but the third one was pretty cool. Kind of, I guess. My dad and his wife had a house in the mountains. It sort of looked like the Rocky Mountains, though. They were REALLY high and there were evergreens everywhere. Surprisingly, it was not a log cabin. It was a HUGE white, colonial style house. I don’t know what the front looked like but I know there was a wrap around porch. It wrapped around the entire house. Shannon and I were in the family room with my Dad when a gust of wind came and blew one of the columns on the back porch loose. My dad grabbed a couple of books and we ran onto the porch. He slid the two books between the top of the column and the roof in order to stabilize it. He went inside and Shannon came out with me. We were both quiet, just looking out at the range. It seemed that the area he was in was for lower class people but his home was massive. Still, there were trailers and shanty homes allover the place. I looked down and gasped. His house was on a ledge which dropped off for thousands of feet. There was almost no incline, it was incredibly steep. I’ve never seen anything so steep. And you could see all the way down, it was terrifying, especially since it only took a gust of wind to blow the column loose. To the left was the road he lived off of. Across the street was a trailer which was falling apart. This was also steep. Steep enough that you would question your footing if you were to cross the street. One false move and you’d be rolling. I wondered why he thought it was practical to pick such a place to live. It was really pretty and everything, his home was gorgeous, but how long before an accident occurs? So my heart was racing throughout the dream because, yes, i’m scared of heights. Even if I push past my fears, it still makes me uneasy. I don’t remember much else of the dream, all that really stands out are the evergreens everywhere.

I know why I had a dream about the wind. I’ve been sick all weekend, drugged up on NyQuil. Fucking miserable. So last night, instead of pouting about it, I went to a happy place lmao. I’m legitimately fucking crazy, oh man. If people ever knew where I go to in my head, they’d think i’m cray. I probably am but they don’t need to know that lol. I was thinking about things that I love. Well, I was looking around my room at all of my stuff. I have an ungodly amount of shoes, particularly. But I was looking around the room at my clothes and shoes and all of my makeup and accessories or whatever and I thought, “I love that stuff but I don’t dwell on it.” Usually when I go shopping, it’s on a whim. I just randomly go and buy a bunch of bullshit that I don’t need. Mainly clothes and shoes. Because i’m a fucking woman and that’s what we do and if you think otherwise, you need a reality check. Anyway, I hate shopping but I love having these things. But does my mind wander to clothes and what not? No. Do I daydream about it? No. So I thought, where are the places that my mind goes? And I thought, that is what is important to me. If my mind does not go there, it must not be very important to me. So I should start shifting my focus to these things that actually mean something to me, and invest less mental energy into the things that don’t. Everything else is most likely superficial. I’m not going to zone out and think about how to perfectly accessorize my outfit, even if I like clothes. So it must not mean a whole lot to me. But I will go over in my mind the way my kids look when they laugh. I will wander off to old people in rocking chairs, looking out windows. I will imagine sticky hands from ice cream cones on a hot day or sinking my feet into the sand and listening to the waves crash. Wherever my mind wanders, that’s where my heart is. And that’s what I should focus on. So, last night, I was thinking of the different things I love and  I thought about wind. Think about when you’re in the woods, if you’re into that sort of thing. Especially when you are alone, nothing compares to that. Anyway, you’re walking along through the woods and you’re completely enveloped by your surroundings. You know the distinct smell of tree bark and dirt. It’s prominent. You know the way the light filters through the leaves and glistens, nearly blinding you once in a while. You know how it feels to move from a shaded area to a sunny spot, the way the sun suddenly warms your back. All of that is easy to imagine if you’ve experienced it enough. Which, I have. Because i’m a fucking troll lol. Trolls live in the woods. Anyway. But aside from all of that, you know what I love the most? I love when I am experiencing all of this, when suddenly, the wind comes out of nowhere. Don’t you love that? Such a small detail that many might overlook….. that’s something my mind wanders off to. That’s something that has stuck with me, it is so significant to me that as I sit here and imagine it, I can feel it. I can feel the wind against my skin. I’m not even sitting here at my computer desk, i’m there. It leaves as quickly as it came. You can’t predict it. It just comes and goes. And it’s one of the most beautiful feelings in the world. I’m not trying to make something simple sound profound. I’m being fucking serious. This is one of my happy places. And so, as I drifted off to sleep last night, that’s where I was. Except, I wasn’t in the woods. I was on my roof lol. Which sucks because I pretty much could have just got up on my roof instead of imagining it….. but I chalk it up to being sick and maybe I was just too mentally exhausted to imagine anything extravagant lol. So I had to stick close to home. But in my mind, I was up there. And I could hear the crickets and the cars in the distance on the interstate. I was laying there, looking at the stars, and every so often, the wind would blow. This is how I know i’m a basic bitch lol. I’m simple. I don’t imagine having some luxurious life full of partying and shopping sprees. I have a well-developed imagination, I could go anywhere I choose. But this is clearly what matters to me. It’s the small things. That’s what means the most to me. It’s not life on steroids. It’s life at it’s most basic level. That’s what is most beautiful to me. That’s what I fell asleep to last night.

I was also thinking about something else yesterday. Ezra likes to build things. He’s going to be some sort of engineer when he grows up, I know he is. But he likes to build these elaborate things out of his blocks. And it takes time and meticulous effort to do it. And he’ll run up to me and say, “Mom, check this out! I built a city! It’s so cool, you gotta see it!” and i’ll check it out as he stands there as proud as he could possibly be. And i’ll tell him how awesome it is as I inspect every little detail. And then? Hurricane Nova comes in and in one swift kick, it’s obliterated.

I thought about that yesterday. Destruction takes no effort. None. It takes no effort to destroy something which took literally a lifetime to create. To create, it takes time. It takes effort. Commitment. Focus. But to destroy? None of that. No consideration, no effort. Just annihilation. Think of how long it takes to put a puzzle together. The effort involved in piecing it all together. And all it takes to destroy hours or even days or weeks of work, is carelessness. Picking it up and dropping it. Merely seconds to ruin it. It takes a while to build a person’s trust up and with one false move, you could destroy it. One false move. It takes a long time to build a person’s confidence. To compliment them and take note of them and invest in them, emotionally….. but all it takes is a few poorly selected words to destroy that. A tiny seed of doubt could grow and overpower every seed of hope that has been planted.

I’m spontaneous. I am not one for structure and routine. It’s not really my thing. I don’t like being held captive by plans and instructions and itineraries. But i’m not foolish. At least, I try not to be. I try to be mindful of things, I hate mindlessness. You need to be aware of your actions and words and what sort of affect they could have on people and things. You are free to say what you want and do as you please but that doesn’t mean you should. It’s simple cause and effect, we learned this shit in elementary school. Everything you say, everything you do, it’s sealed. It’s done. There is no taking it back. One false move and you could destroy everything. I am not a hurricane. I am mindful. I know that there is a consequence to every action I take. And so, as carefree as I may seem to be, i’m not. I’m a lot more methodical than people give me credit for. My head is in the clouds but my feet are definitely on solid ground. Think about that. Zero effort to ruin everything. Everything you say and do is going to influence something……

Anyway, 2015 is coming to an end and I think this has definitely been the year of Vance Joy for me lol. He’s my new favorite artist,  I absolutely ADORE him. I LOVE his voice, love his music.


3 rounds and a sound

I am home, sick with strep throat. It’s awesome. I love feeling my throat. You know, you don’t typically feel your throat so it’s easy to take that bad boy for granted. Not today. I feel it. I have a throat, I know that now. Thank you, Streptococcus.

So, i’ve been thinking. What else is new, right?

Human beings are fallible creatures and it has taken many tough blows for me to understand that completely, and accept that, entirely. The majority of my life, i’ve had attachment issues. I have a tendency to latch onto people. Put all of my eggs in their basket. Trust them with something as fragile as my emotions. “Here. Take these. These are my emotions. Be careful with them. If you ever decide to be human and make a mistake which could hurt me, or, if you ever walk away from me, I will crumble into a million pieces that will take years to put back together, and I will never be whole, again.” Basically. My brother and sister had that problem as well. It’s just hard to accept that, for many reasons, people are going to exit your life as quickly as they entered it. Or maybe it won’t be so swift. Maybe it will take a longer course, in which, they just slowly fade away. Either way, at some point, you’re probably going to get that sudden feeling like, “Wait. This is weird.” One of my ex-boyfriends, for instance. Walking around late night, laughing and acting a fool with him, long, deep conversations….. then, boom. Nothing. See him in the mall and walk past him like I never knew him. Crazy, huh? My fucking CREW. The girls. We’ve puked on each other. Seriously. We’ve executed devious revenge plots against countless ex-boyfriends. We have….. oh geez, we did it all. For a LONG time. And now? We’re practically foreign to one another. Life took all of us on different paths. I can see us sitting on porch steps under moonlight, laughing, crying, having deep conversations about life. About out dreams. Our fears. Our problems. Our plans. And now, there’s nothing.

It’s not even about a person disappearing from your life, sometimes the role just changes. Sometimes, it’s not even really a bad thing. But, sometimes, you just think back to what once was and you’re like, “Wait. This is weird.” Like, my sister. You know, I go over to her house a lot. We’re really close. She’s my best friend. And we still cut up and act a fool like we used to. Only, now, we’re holding glasses of wine and talking about bills. We used to be holding kool-aid bursts, talking about the boys across the street lol. Now, we argue about grown people shit. I remember when we shared a room, we used masking tape to divide it. And I would always try to give myself a few extra inches lmao. It was cut throat hahaha. I can still see my brother and sister and their sleepy faces, eating fruity pebbles at the dining room table. My brother would always pick on us. Always. But it was worse with me because I had a temper. Shannon was mellow, she’d either let shit go or tell my parents. I would go toe to toe. I would NOT back down. I’d tackle you to the ground before waving my white flag lol. Didn’t matter if my brother could pin me or not, i’m going for it. I’m charging him lol. And I can still see his obnoxious laugh. He was like a weasel. It used to piss me off so bad because the angrier i’d get, the more he’d laugh lol. And his nose would scrunch up and i’d always fantasize about just punching him in the nose lol. Okay, i’m getting sidetracked, here. But, yeah. And listening to my parents talk about grown folk stuff right in front of us, knowing it would fly over our heads (but it never did. so inappropriate lol.). What i’m saying is that the dynamic has changed. It evolved. But the memories of what once was are still alive and well, and, every now and then, it feels strange.

My parents songs. I Still Believe in You, by Vince Gill, and Best of my Love, by The Eagles. There were more but those two stand out the most. I can see them dancing in the den with what appeared to be so much love in their eyes, beyond what I could see. They had memories that didn’t involve me. They had problems that I never saw. They shared things with one another that the world didn’t know about. I see that now. I didn’t see it then. But I can still see them in my mind, dancing in the den, now, with a new perspective. I now know the skeletons they hid and, let me tell you, they aren’t pretty. When I found out, it changed the way I saw everything. And well, I have my own skeletons. I think we all do. Most of us, anyway. And so, it just got hard to hold that resentment towards them for giving up. All of my life, I wanted things to be a certain way. I treated people as pawns on my chessboard. Pawns don’t move on their own, I move them. I loved them, yes. I did not use anyone. But they were key pieces in MY game. They were the pictures on MY wall. This is MY friend. These are MY parents. They are starring in MY movie. And it was always this distorted perception that left me falling apart, over and over again. Because that isn’t how life works. It doesn’t work that way. People do not belong to you. They aren’t yours. They are their own people. It took losing my grandparents and witnessing the obliteration of my brother and parents’ marriages for me to understand this and accept it. And it wasn’t easy, at all. I fought it. I fought really hard to maintain my perception of reality, to keep these pawns in place on my chess board. But, in the end, I lost that battle. And I am glad I did. It’s scary. It’s scary how life can change. It’s scary how people have their own free will and can do what they choose with it. They can leave you. They can stop loving you. They can deceive you. They can hurt you. They can do these things to you. You trust them not to but, sometimes, they do it anyway. And it fucking wrecks you. Because, how do you find that balance? How do you trust them and love them and build this attachment to them, this strong bond, knowing that if you do that, they could easily break it? It seems that the only way to avoid having your heart smashed into the ground would be to not let yourself ever get attached to people. But then, what’s life? What would life be without that?

Here’s what I learned. You are going to get hurt. You’re going to hurt others, too. It’s going to happen. It’s part of being alive. Free will simply isn’t possible without the possibility of things going wrong, people getting hurt. You do things to try to escape the pain, things which only bring more pain, because you have this idea that you’re not supposed to hurt, you’re not supposed to feel bad, ever. And then people start thinking that life isn’t fair, life is too hard, etc….. And they either give up or shut down, one or the other. Or both. I am human, I am going to cry. I am human, I am going to hurt. I am human, I am going to make mistakes. I am human, I am going to feel things which are sometimes beyond my control. I am human, I’m going to do a lot of human things in this lifetime. And other humans are going to do a lot of human things, too. I have four kids and each one of them are going to take different paths in life. Some of those paths may be close to home, some may be on the other side of the world, some may be even further away in that they will not align with my own path or expectations of who or what they should be. And I need to expect that as a possibility. Friends are going to come, friends are going to go, forever. Life is going to keep changing, forever. The more I fight to maintain the pieces, the more pain it will bring in the long run. I read an article once about allowing people to move freely in your life and I wish I could find it. God, it’s been years, way before my parents got divorced. And I thought about that when they divorced. If ever there was a time for that to be demonstrated, their divorce was it. They were not put on this earth to star in my movie. Neither were my kids. Or my husband. Or my brother or sister. Or anyone else I meet in life. It seems that way, doesn’t it? It seems like they are the pictures on your wall, doesn’t it? And the only way they should move is if you decide to move them. Not so. And you can get angry with them all you want. You can scream at them and tell them how it should be but you have to ask yourself what your motives are. Is it for their wellbeing? Have you figured their life out for them? Or is this self-serving? Is it because you want your movie to follow a plot which they are deviating from? I tried to get my parents to follow my plot. I told my dad he lost his mind. Told my brother he was a coward. I hold bitterness towards some friends that strayed from my life. All the while, I was telling myself it was for their best interest. But, being who I am, I ponder things….. relentlessly. And I realized I was full of shit. This had nothing to do with them and their lives. It was about me and mine and my endless need to control. Control. Control. To plan. To have it all figured out.

When I was with my son’s father, I would get so mad. “God, please give me a sign that he’s not meant to be in my life.” and everyday it was another sign….. but then, that need to control….. I’d tell myself, “No, this is a test to see how much I would put up with for him. To see how loyal I am.” Because I wanted the plot to continue in a way that was predictable. One I could control. And I find it funny that while all of that was playing out, God, the author of it ALL, was like, “There is a human being walking this earth right now that you’re going to be with and it’s not your son’s father. You’re going to marry him, you’re going to have a family with him.” Isn’t that funny? Right now, you have it in your head how you think your life should go, how you want it to go, how you want other peoples lives to go……. and you’re going through hell to maintain control over it all. But….. God. God knows every plot twist, every unexpected turn, when you’ll stray from the path, the people who will get thrown into your path, the ones who will fall off, all of it. I’m finding my joy in giving up control. I’m finding my joy in accepting the possibility that my life is not going to go the way I want it to, but that God knows where it will go. And i’m okay with that. It’s human nature to push and pull and manipulate and control…. but when you find that you are met with so much resistance it causes your soul to feel restless…… you just have to turn it over to God. Just let go. Continue living and handle whatever comes at you. I know i’m going to feel pain, there is no way around that. But I also have peace with the pain. I have peace in knowing that God is in control, not me. I don’t like being the passenger in a car because, usually, I don’t trust the driver lol. I feel like I am more qualified to handle my life and the lives of everyone in the car. So i’m usually driving. On long road trips, it’s impossible to fall asleep because i’m terrified that the driver is going to wreck the car. God is not going to wreck the car. I know that with certainty and that is where my peace is. That is where my rest is. That is where my joy is. It’s in knowing that I do not have to control. I do not have to lead. I am not alone. These big decisions aren’t mine. This load is not mine to carry. The closer I get to God, the more at ease I feel with the fact that my life isn’t exactly going the way I wanted it to go. My parents are not together and I think that has always been my biggest fear in life. I remember laying awake at night, dreading the day. They always threatened it and it loomed over my head like a storm cloud, always present, always waiting for it to dump on me. I got through it. I let it go and I feel peace. My teeth. I let it go and found peace. My son’s father. I let him go and I found peace. I’ve let these things go and I trust that God is leading me where I need to be. There is no greater comfort. I can trust. I can trust people, knowing they can, and probably will, let me down. And it doesn’t break me. I won’t clam up. I won’t retreat. I won’t stop living. No matter how many times I get hurt. No matter how much people wrong me. No matter how many mistakes I make. I won’t draw the shades and turn out the lights. Because this is the way life goes. I knew this all along. I tried to fight it and it only brought more pain. I expect to cry, I expect to worry, I expect to feel fear and pain. I expect it. I expect that I am going to lose people. I expect that things will fall apart and come together and fall apart again. I expect all of that. And it doesn’t weaken me, it doesn’t make me skeptical or bitter. Because I have anticipated it and I trust God.

These are just some of my thoughts today. No matter what, life is always good. Challenging, but I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Like a Red Rubber Ball

Oh my goodness, this song was in my dream last night. Aren’t the Everly Brothers the best??!! I’m going to go ahead and *not* post every single song I love of theirs.

I don’t even remember what my dream was about, now. Too focused on remembering what song was playing lol.

But I do need to write some of my dreams I recently had before I forget. These happened over the weekend.

In one dream, I was sitting on the ground pulling my sock up over my heel…. which is funny because, when I woke up, my sock was half off of my foot lol. Anyway, I was sitting on the ground, adjusting my sock, and apparently there was a long line of people next to me. They were there to see some attraction but I can’t remember what it was. The line was slowly moving along and then I glanced up and saw a guy that I have literally only talked to in person one time. He looked like he was trying to avoid eye contact with me so I wouldn’t know it was him. But it was totally him. I smiled and said hi and he said hello and kept moving. That was it for that one.

I guess since we’re going there, i’ll just post some super old songs lol. I’m in that mood today.

Another dream. Shannon and I were in Rome. We were with a tour group but we ended up straying from the group so we could explore on our own. We went down some back streets and made our way down an alley which led to a courtyard. The courtyard was made up entirely of a massive fountain. The water was only shin deep. The floors of the fountain were slick marble. There were two statues of women, maybe about 15 feet tall. The statues had LED lights in them which would transition through the color spectrum, kind of like my old philips lamp. The statues also moved around in the water, as if they were dancing. All the while, there was classical music playing over loud speakers. It was dusk so the LED lights were pretty vivid. It was surreal. What did Shannon and I do? Slip-n-slide LOL. We were just running around, sliding in the fountain hahaha. It was awesome.

Another dream. We moved back into our very first place together. Only, it was WAY bigger than it actually is. There were boxes everywhere that had been there for a while and it hit me, “Wow, if we move these boxes, we’ll have a lot more room!” LOL. Yeah. Epiphany. I guess we had so much junk that we had forgotten how much space we had. So I am in the process of clearing boxes while Kevin is sitting on the couch checking his phone. I heard a gunshot which sounded like it came from next door. I yelled at Kevin, “Go lock the front door!” because I was going to grab the kids and run to the back of the house. Well. Homie sat there on the fucking couch, did not budge. So I dove over some shit to go shut the front door and lock it but it was too late, a guy was coming in with a machine gun lol. Yes. A machine gun. I ran and grabbed the kids….. oh shit, no, I forgot. At the very beginning of the dream, I was telling Judea he needed to calm down because he was about to get home. Yes. Let me explain this weird shit to you. Judea was off with his grandma. So, I guess his ghost was with me? His ghost was hyper. I told his ghost to chill out before Judea got home. Ghost went to sit on the couch, but he was a ghost. So he fell through the couch lol. Judea pulled up with Diane. Now, we have Judea and Judea’s ghost. So when the shit went down and I grabbed the kids, I didn’t know whether to grab Judea or his ghost. I couldn’t tell the difference. It was crazy. I woke up.

Another dream which was way too involved was basically about Kevin and I being at the house together and a group of intruders broke in. He did nothing to stop them, it was the weakest shit ever. I saw them coming, I tried to run out the back door but they had the house was already surrounded. I’m not getting into that one, though. Too long.

I’m allover the place now.

If you don’t get up to that song, something inside of you is broken and needs to be fixed. ASAP.

I’m dancing, now lol. I almost never clean without dancing. When I clean, I have music on, and I am dancing. That’s the way it is. Play that Curtis Lee song and try to stay in a bad mood. Not happening. Probably won’t be able to sit still, either. I think music is one of the reasons I can’t really stay in a bad mood for too long lol. I’m too busy singing and dancing.

I’m going to switch it up before I go clean.


Oh man I feel so weird when I don’t blog as often as i’m used to. I feel like i’m in some sort of alternate reality: the one where I don’t blog as often as i’m used to lol.

Don’t you love those little reminders that you are alive? This is random, i’m not making a post out of it but, yeah. Sometimes we get so used to living that we forget that we are ALIVE right now. RIGHT NOW. We exist on this planet, at this moment in time. Isn’t that kind of amazing?


LOL. We went on our annual camping trip to GA. We had a bigger crew this time, I think there was 11 of us. Anyway, Shannon and I went to the gas station before we left to get gas, ice, milk for the house, and sodas. Let me tell you lol. Let me TELL you. Shannon brought the ice out and set it next to the back tire, thinking I was going to put it away. I thought she was going to put it away. Neither of us put it away. I went to pull off and some lady raced up beside me. I shot her the Kermit face, thinking she was trying to cut me off:


So. Turns out she was just trying to let me know the ice was still outside of the car lol. I got out, got the ice (humiliated lol) and drove off. I turned onto the street and the traffic was backed up on the other side. Two guys stuck in traffic were flagging me down so I popped my head out of the window and they said “Your cap is off your gas tank……DAMN, YOU’RE FINE!!” and I could feel my face turn bright red lol. So I pulled the car over (there was a pulloff) and got out to put the cap on. Everyone in traffic was staring, which, coincidentally, was all guys. And it was awkward as fuck. So the guys that told me about my cap being off were a little further up. He stuck his head out of his window as I was walking to put the cap back on and said, “Can I please have your phone number?” and I flashed the ring and said, “Sorry, i’m married” and it was so uncomfortable, I kept walking passed the gas tank, realized what I had done only when I was already on the wrong side of the car, slammed my head against the window and prayed “Please leave. Please leave. Please leave.” Just hoping that traffic would go because everyone was staring, they saw the whole thing go down lol. No such luck. I had to shamefully walk back to the gas tank, put the cap on, get in my car and drive off lol.

Let me tell you something. I can be smooth as fuck when I am prepared for a situation lol. I can be so smooth you would never guess how truly socially awkward I am. Unfortunately, I am not smooth when I am caught off guard and it usually results in me making an ass of myself lol. I couldn’t even be flattered, I was too embarrassed lol.

We got to the campsite and I set the tent up, myself. I wanted to be sure I knew how to do it because I plan on taking the kids camping, plus I want to do my solo trip or whatever. I even started the fire by myself.


Listen. I don’t want to use up this post to talk about how awkward and standoffish I am but I can’t help it.. I need to. I did have a lot of fun, of course. But when I am in a group of people, I am reminded of how much of an oddball I am. I am reminded as to why I am not good at casual conversation and small talk. It’s because I don’t really relate to a good 85% of the shit people talk about. Or I have no experience with it. Everyone talks about their favorite TV shows and i’m over here like, “Galactic Federation of Light”…… because I just watch documentaries. I don’t watch TV and it sucks so bad that most people talk about TV shows ALL. THE. FUCKING. TIME. And i’m like, “Sorry, I have no contribution to this conversation, whatsoever.” And then they start talking about movies and, well, I have a specific taste in movies lol. And i’m all like, “Hey, did you guys see the trailer for Warcraft?!?!?!” and i’m not kidding, everyone got DEAD fucking quiet lol you could hear crickets, OMG. NO. I do NOT play Warcraft, people lmao. But I thought the movie looked like it would be pretty cool, geez. I did recover by stating that men who haven’t left their bedrooms (at their parent’s house) in YEARS are finally going to come out….. looking like fucking vampires who have never seen daylight hahahaha. Unshaven, shirts they’ve had since they were 12 and shit lol. Calm down. I just thought the movie looked like it would be cool. But, yeah. This is usually how things pan out when I am having a conversation with people. I disagree with a lot of the things people talk about like their political views or world views or whatever and it’s not like I don’t understand, I totally do. And I am never confrontational about it but I just have a different way of viewing the world from people, sometimes. Because i’m kind of in the middle on everything so I disagree with everyone. I don’t believe we should have dropped bombs on Japan, okay. I don’t. I don’t really believe many of our wars have been just wars, at all. But that doesn’t mean i’m a left-winger, either. So. I just feel like no matter what I say, i’m going to piss people off. And then everyone starts having multiple conversations at once so I have to take a lot of breaks. I literally have to get up and walk away or my head will explode because someone is talking to me but other people are talking to each other and someone is banging shit in the background and I hear animal noises and it’s too much fucking confusion so I need a breather. And then people call me antisocial so I have to deal with that. Also, when we’re walking, I tend to fall behind a lot because I get zoned out staring at like the stars or something. Or my big thing is when it’s nighttime, I like finding spiders. Yeah, if you shine your light in the grass, their eyes will glow green so you can find this tiny spider in the grass from far away and I just think shit like that is pretty awesome lol. And then I hear, “Where’s my fucking sister??” and deal with the “stop being such a hermit” talk. Lmfao they said that I was going to fall back and sort of just blend in with the trees and disappear into the woods like a ghost lol.

The thing is, I don’t think this is a problem. I could see wanting to change this if it made me unhappy but I like the way I am. I like the things I am into, I like my point of view. I like having alone time. I like zoning out because i’m paying attention to something, which, btw, if I hadn’t fallen behind, I wouldn’t have seen a family of raccoons in a tree. It was cool as shit. I heard the branches rustling so I stood there for a while shining my light until I saw an entire family of raccoons eating nuts up there. Got some cool pics of it. Also, we literally saw like 21 dear. Yes, we counted them. Lots of cool stuff to see, I hate being rushed along. I don’t even mind so much that I make an ass out of myself, I just need to remind myself it isn’t a big deal, because, it isn’t. It’s not a big deal. I need to keep visualizing my tank lol. Fuck you, this is my tank. And keep going. Yeah.

And I can get down to Journey like nobody’s business but let me listen to my weird shit, too lol.


I love people so much. For so long, I had myself convinced that I absolutely hated people but it was only because of how unhappy I was and how antisocial I had become as a result. I needed a good excuse for why I distanced myself from people so I just told myself it was because people are just shitty. Well, they are, but so am I. All of us are pretty shitty when you really think about it. But no, I love people. I love talking to people and being in the mix or whatever. But I love, love, love that I don’t depend on people. Not saying I wouldn’t ask people for help if I need it (well, that’s a problem, but whatevs) but it’s nice knowing that I am comfortable with myself. It’s nice knowing that I don’t depend on other people to define who I am and what i’m into. I can be into what i’m into and not feel bad about it just because it’s a little different. I can also be totally comfortable with going solo. I don’t need a security blanket, I’m totally secure with myself. Just, sometimes, I wish other people understood this. Even my close family and friends who know me better than anyone see it as being a problem sometimes. “Stop being so anti-social”. I hear that a lot. And they still think something is wrong when I get quiet. Sometimes, I just don’t want to talk and it’s not that there is anything wrong with me, I just feel like being quiet. And sometimes, I just want to be by myself. And it’s not that anyone has done anything to piss me off, I just need a moment, sometimes. And I just wish people could understand that. I wish I didn’t have to explain myself to people so much. This is just who I am. For so long I thought that it was wrong. I thought that it was a problem that needed to be corrected because people had me convinced that was the case. When enough people say something about you, you tend to believe it. And most people aren’t comfortable with themselves. Most people have to be around others all the time. They have to speak to fill the awkward silence, no matter what sort of mindless drivel they spew. They aren’t content without busyness. They aren’t okay going solo. And so the majority will have people like me feeling like something is wrong with that. It’s not. I’m actually teaching my kids about the balance between being social and being comfortable alone. Between talking and being in a comfortable silence. I think they need to understand the difference and be okay with themselves, without someone constantly having to validate them as people. You know?

I’m rambling, as usual. I just feel so weird when I don’t write. Anyway, I feel good. Good, good. Great. Seriously. I’m so happy that I am alive and life is life. It’s a crazy time of the year and it stresses me out but I love it. We just ran out of fucking salt and some people consider that to be a bad omen but fuck that. That’s the end of a cycle. New year, new salt lol. Doesn’t that sound so refreshing? We will be ringing in the new year with a fresh container of salt. It’s the little things. I’m totally being sarcastic here but you probably missed all of that. I’m taking my blog off of private, now. I feel like I have ran away for an adequate amount of time and i’m good now. Boom.

Gah this is my third time having to edit lol. For one, this is my 1000th post to this blog! For two, this:


Just dance.

I’m in my feelings today.

I listen to lady gaga when I am in my feelings.

Because listening to depressing music when you’re in your feelings is so 2006.