And nothing to get hung about.
Strawberry fields, forever.
And nothing to get hung about.
Strawberry fields, forever.
I can’t even believe that I want to call this stuff “older rock” haha. Wow. I don’t know what to think right now. Am I really 31? Is it really two thousand fucking fifteen??????? Where in the hell am I???? I am a wife and mother of four? Do you ever just get shell shocked? When I come across some of my favorite old songs, particularly early to mid 2000’s, I feel……weird. Because that seems like yesterday. Time really does fly when you have kids.
Old songs. This was all around the time that I worked at the gas station on Park St, the commissary, and Converges. Yeah, all of that within the time span of a few years haha. Lots of wrist bands. Brown hair with black underneath because Avril Lavigne haha. Capri pants, mesh tops, piercings. Cruising. Rock shows. Shooting pool. Dating. Geez. Time flies for real.
So yeah, when i’m not clipping fingernails, inspecting ears, wiping faces, cleaning spills, wearing yellow gloves like the mom on “you can’t do that on television” lol, and stuff…. I like to listen to music that reminds me of old times. And these memories just don’t seem so far away but wow, they really are.
Okay I could literally post 100’s of songs from this period if I don’t just walk away from this lol. So, i’m going. Bye.
Another weird dream about doing something with my dad. Not sure where we were but it seems like we were traveling somewhere. I remember being at some sort of outdoor banquet and everyone was eating these weird cakes. Looked kinda like pizza crust and they were spreading some type of whipped cream topping on them. Idk what it was but it looked fucking delicious. lol. Then I ended up at my old friend Aaron’s house with him and his fiance. She was frying something up in the kitchen and he was sitting on the couch smoking a piece of wood lol. Idek. I wish I could remember more, the dream seemed weird and really random.
Last night as I was falling asleep, I thought about several things.
I remember the way people sneeze. I don’t like sneezes. And I have concluded that I am probably the only person with a normal sneeze. Everyone else’s sneeze sounds weird. Mine doesn’t.
I think it’s pretty much insane that we haven’t reached the point in technological advancement where ALL devices work underwater. I really don’t understand that.
Privacy fences are not tall enough. They need to be at least as tall as your house. Unless I specifically go to the neighbors, I don’t want to see the neighbors. At all.
Buttons and zippers slow down the process of life. Think about human beings, past and present, and how much time has been collectively wasted just buttoning and zipping things. That’s a nice little chunk of time out of the human existence. How have we not broken this barrier yet?
Everything should cost a dollar.
It takes like a thousand years for me to edit a freaking video. Okay, it takes me a thousand years to edit a video. Whatevs. I want my macbook back. This shit is for the birds. I grew up using windows, used them most of my life, but i’ve just gotten used to Apple now and help. Just help.
Anyway, so that should be done by the time I draw social security.
I went for a hike at the Suwannee River State Park yesterday. It was everything I dreamed it would be lol. The thing I hate the most about hiking is having to LEAVE. This place is beautiful. The weather was actually perfect, there was a really nice breeze.
Now i’m going to get into why I like hiking alone. Okay, so, you’ll see in the video that I made a super huge fucking deal about me jumping in the river. I don’t think you’re going to understand and i’m just going to have to accept that lol. Whenever I am hiking with other people, I get the inclination to do stuff like that, but someone ALWAYS tries to block me lol. They start putting all of these worst-case-scenarios in my head and cause such a scene that I basically can’t live. So, when i’m alone, I don’t have to deal with that. I can do what I want. Now. I had been hiking for a while and, as far as I knew, I was the only one on the trail. Can I just reemphasize how perfect it was outside? I came to this spot down by the river and thought it looked like the perfect place to eat lunch. But, I ended up staring for too long at this little spot….. I don’t know what I would call it. You’ll see it in the video. And I was just amazed at how clear the water was and how deep it was. It looked like fucking paradise, sue me lol. Usually, when I am at the river, I get the sudden urge to just jump in. Because…… it’s water. And that’s kind of what you do. Well, this spot looked perfect. For one, alligators don’t live underwater. Goodness. I could see all the way down the hole, there was nothing there. There was nothing. Just water. It was blocked off by limestone and water was rushing over that limestone. If a gator were to come, he’d have a real struggle trying to get to where I was at and by that time, i’d already be out of the water. So. I didn’t see any major threats or anything. I know how to swim. I’m good. But still, I was terrified lol. Because it was just so random and i’m alone and fear, ya know? I’m not saying to do stupid things in the name of facing your fears. I’m just saying, sometimes we blow our fears out of proportion. I hate that. Like how I am with snakes. I hate that it was always so bad that i’d imagine one falling from a tree and literally strangling me to death lol. Like, premeditated murder haha. That’s just stupid. And it’s also stupid to think I am ABSOLUTELY going to die if I jump in a body of water. So, I wanted to do it….. and I did it.
Now, I go over this same thing in the video but i’m going to elaborate here. Weigh the pros and cons. Make sure you’re not putting anyone else in a bad spot. Don’t do something you’re going to surely regret. Don’t do something that has a strong possibility of hurting you. Don’t do things that are immoral. But, at the end of the day, you really gotta see it like this: How would I feel about this decision 10 years from now?
Honestly, that’s how you should think about anything. I’m all for living in the moment, for sure. But living in the moment also means I am going to get something out of it. It’s not about being reckless, it’s about just living. When you look at ANYTHING, you should think, “Is this going to matter 10 years from now?”
When I look back on my past, it’s easy to identify what matters and what doesn’t. The cars I used to drive do not matter. The cars my parents drove don’t matter. Even the clothes that I wore, doesn’t matter now. The embarrassments don’t matter now. Not getting enough sleep doesn’t matter now. The list is never ending. When I look back on my life, the things that matter the most are typically all of the experiences. The feelings. The relationships. Road trips with my parents. Bike rides with my friends. Loud music and dancing at barbecues. The feeling of cold grass between my toes. Petting my cat, Jenna. Playing with my dog, Tanya. Cannonballing into a pool. Snuggling up under a billion blankets during snow days and watching The Oprah Winfrey Show lmao. Christmas morning. Thanksgiving dinner. Birthdays. School dances. Camping. Those are the things that matter.
We get so caught up in all of the little details of life, all of the extras, and we lose sight of the things which really, actually matter. And in ten years from now, we’ll look back on today, and we’ll remember the things that mattered. We’ll remember with a new sense of gratitude and appreciation. Ten years from now, we’re not going to daydream about the time we had to cancel our gym membership in order to save money. We’re not going to miss our cell phones because something new and better will be out. TVs, computers, cars, all of it will become obsolete. Fashion will change and we’ll probably cringe at some of the shit we’re wearing, some of the shit we put our kids in. I’m not saying none of that stuff is important at all. I’m just saying, priorities. Fill your life with meaning. Things that will stand the test of time. Things you will fondly look back on.
So, that’s kind of why I did what I did. I wanted to prove it wasn’t going to kill me. And I wanted to do something that I wanted to do, simply because I wanted to do it. Checked it off my list of awesome shit to do. Next.
You have to work. You have to take care of kids. You have to pay bills. You have to keep your house clean. You have to put food on the table. You have to make a lot of sacrifices. But when you see that you are miserable more often than not, something needs to change. Life isn’t supposed to be miserable so if you’re always miserable, you’re doing it wrong. One day, after dinner, grab your spouse’s hands, get the kids together, and go for a walk. Go for a walk under the streetlights. Laugh. Enjoy life. Don’t spend everyday posted up at the computer or zoned out in front of the TV. Turn the TV off. Turn the music on. Dance with your partner. Build a fort in the bedroom. Read books to each other. Look at old pictures together. Let go of things. Let go of fights. Don’t worry about who is wrong or right. Don’t live in the past. Appreciate what you have, right now. Take the long way home from work. Stop and see a friend you haven’t seen in forever. Go to a place you’ve never been, even if it’s in your city. Compliment a stranger. Tell someone they’re doing a good job. Smile more. When you’re stuck in traffic, roll the windows down and turn your music up. Try a new hairstyle. Wear lipstick. Paint your toes. Hell, jump in the fucking river, ya know? Sit down at random and have a serious talk with your child about something they’ve never heard of. Tell them stories about when you were little.
You can convince yourself that being a responsible adult is just going to be miserable, that’s just the way it is. And you can let your life go to shit. I’m not. I refuse. Every single day that i’m here is a blessing that I don’t want to take for granted. I’m going to run while I still have use of my legs, sing and talk and laugh while I still have a voice, see new things while I still have use of my eyes, i’m going to use what I have while I have it. I’m not going to let obstacles keep me from being happy. It’s just not worth it.
Oh, here is a little side note lol. I am SO ashamed at how bad I freaked out when I went into the water. I didn’t jump. No. I didn’t. I casually kind of fell into it. And when I realized that my feet weren’t hitting anything, I panicked haha. I’ve said it before, i’m terrified of heights. I face the fear and all but it doesn’t make me any less terrified. So just knowing how deep the water was just made me feel like I was going to pass out. You can see that shit written allover my face when I started scrambling to get out haha. I did get back in but I stayed VERY close to the edge lol. Maybe next time I won’t be so chicken. Or maybe Kevin will be with me lol. But yeah, panic city, bought the bumper sticker lmfao.
Anyway, here is the video. Quality is meh. I suck at video editing. So.
No. Okay. Wow. I REALLY suck at making videos. This is horrible lol. Oh well, i’m not doing it again. Sooooooo.
Copyright infringement. What even.
Had a really weird dream last night. Something about helping my dad out. No clue what we were doing. And I specifically remember looking down at my feet for a while. I was wearing my tan construction boots, which I haven’t gotten the chance to wear yet lol. There was a lot going on and I really wish I could remember because it felt like a good dream. Didn’t feel eerie or nightmare-ish. Which is rare for me. I woke up and had this song on my mind:
I’m out. River life, babes.
Me: Okay, so it’s about that time where I escape to Narnia for a bit.
Kevin: So….. you’re kicking me out of the room.
Me: I don’t exactly mind if you’re here, I just don’t want to be aware of your presence, here.
Last night, we were driving back from my mom’s house. We went to spend the evening with them to hang with my uncle before he left today. He’ll be back for my grandma’s birthday in November. Anyway. We were driving, listening to the Hollies station on Pandora. I suped it up so that it has the absolute perfect variety haha. I love it. And this song came on:
And, of course, I took it WAY overboard haha. I just……. really get into music lol. I am not very casual when it comes to the songs I love. So, every time the lightning crashed in the song, i’d turn to Kevin and do this:
Not quite sure how impressed he was but at least it made him laugh a little hahaha.
Sooooooo. He went to some lame ass “beer olympics” thing today. Just kidding. He didn’t go. No, really. He went. It wasn’t lame. Okay, i’m sorry, it kind of was. Not a lot of people showed up and I told him that would happen. I told him he would get there and it would be a handful of guys, depressed, drinking their troubles away lmao. I don’t do beer olympics. I could do some bear claw olympics. Starbucks olympics. Crab leg olympics. Can’t hang at beer olympics lol. I seriously have not gotten smashed since that night with my cousins when I had to be carried to the car hahaha. I will never look at oatmeal cookies the same way again. Ever.
Anyway, since he got to do that and he’s leaving for two weeks, I get my time in tomorrow. I was gonna go to Talbot but I think it is time to move on lol. Not forever or anything, just stop clutching that place like life support. I need change. So I am going to the Suwannee River State Park. He promised he’d get the kids to church. I love, love, love that place. I love the drive there. Ods;h;sdvn;/. Excited. Very excited. I love the river. I love the trees. I love the hike there, it’s perfect. I’d live there lol. I would totally, totally, live there. In a tent. No. Under a tarp. Idgaf. I would live on the suwannee river. Literally, on the river. I would fashion a stationary, floating home out of twigs and twine and mud, with the help of my new otter friends (I don’t think there’s otters there but this isn’t real so it kind of works) and i’d grow a beard. You just pictured it. You pictured me with a beard. #ruined. I can already smell it. I don’t know what I plan on doing while i’m there. I know i’m going to hike, duh. But I need to think of something else to do. I don’t know, i’ll wing it, I guess. It’s been a minute since I have gone somewhere alone, other than Talbot. Soooooooooo yes.
Never changing. Cue Jay-z “Never, never, never, never change. I’ll never CHANGE!” lol. Never. The older I get, the less I give a shit so it works out rather nicely, actually. This is the best set-up, ever. Get smarter, get bolder, more capable, give less shits. Perfect.
I have no problem with people who like to live comfortable, ordinary lives. None. I used to. It used to piss me off. I can think back to when Shannon and I were teenagers. I’d always criticize her and tell her that her room looked like a hotel room. Night and day. You walk in her room and it is immaculate. Bed perfectly made. Everything in it’s place. Nothing really interesting going on. Just a normal looking room. Then, you’d go in my room, the fun house. Shit literally EVERYWHERE. Things that made NO sense. I’d paint knickknacks with nail polish. I had no design strategy. I didn’t care if it “went with the decor”. I went with things I liked, however random. And, you know, for a while, as an adult….. i’ve tried to make sense of shit because I don’t want to scare away company lol. I’d still have my encyclopedias, globe, wall map, stuff like that. But it looked like it made too much sense. Now? I don’t care. I am not going to be a slave to decor. If I want a blue dinosaur statue, that’s what’s going down. If I want a Super Mario Bros. poster in my kitchen, that’s what’s up. I’m being intentionally ridiculous but i’m just trying to get a point across. If I like it, I don’t care lol.
It is possible to be an adult and not be miserable…… at the same time. Totally. I just want to know where this big, fat, fucking rule book is. Where is this playbook that tells you you’re “too old” to listen to music that teenagers listen to. Or watch cartoons. Or that you “shouldn’t wear graphic tees” lmao. Do you know how many fashion do’s and don’ts articles I have seen which suggest wearing graphic tees makes you appear immature? LMAO.
: having or showing the mental and emotional qualities of an adult
: having a fully grown or developed body : grown to full size
Says nothing about graphic tees lol.
If you like being comfortable and going with the flow, that is absolutely your prerogative. But make sure it’s what *you* want to do, not what you feel you have to do, not what people tell you you should do. I feel like you were kind of made to be who you are….. there’s a reason that you are the way you are. You were a puzzle piece that fit. But when you go trying to take on the shape of another puzzle piece, you fuck up the picture for everyone else. Get a good handful of puzzle pieces trying to look the same, you done ruined a good Saturday night. Game over. Go home.
Not to mention, that’s not living. When you’re not living authentically, you’re not actually living your life. And you’re wasting time. Time is just running out while you try to force a life upon yourself which doesn’t line up with who you are, who you were called to be, who you were made to be. That’s scary shit, right there. It’s terrifying to me. It’s like spending a lot of time planning this big vacation to the bahamas or something….. but you never left the hotel room. You never saw the beach. You never got in the water. What a fucking waste, right?
And no one ever changed shit by going with what’s popular and expected. It was the ones who went against the grain, screamed over everyone else, challenged the norms, obliterated the norms and then redefined the norms. Over and over and over again. And people laughed at them, mocked them, insulted them, questioned them, doubted them, criticized them, cast them aside……. but it didn’t matter. They didn’t stop. They did what they did.
Sometimes you just have to stop yourself in your tracks. You just take note of it and you think, “I totally don’t have to be doing this right now. I can do something else.” and you do it. You’re sitting in the living room, watching your favorite show like you do every week at that same time….. a commercial comes on and it strikes you….. “It’s not going to kill me to miss this show.” and so you get in your car and drive. You just go. Turn the music up, windows down, no destination, you just go. Just drive.
I’m not suggesting acting irresponsibly or carelessly. I am not suggesting that you infringe on the happiness and comfort of others. I’m not suggestion you become a rebel or anything. I’m just saying, life is short and it’s not waiting for you, it’s not going to create this perfect time for you to start living the way you want. Stars aren’t going to align for you. I’m saying. One day, you’re plain Jane, living your ordinary life. The next day, you put in your two weeks notice and pursue the career you really wanted. One day, you’re moping around the house wondering what the point is. The next day, you’re on a road trip to the mountains because you’ve put it off for too long. One day, you’re at work, doing the same thing you do every other day, looking at the same mess on your desk, handling the same paperwork, seeing the same faces. The next day, you bring in a plant, a new, colorful light, a cool picture, rearrange your furniture, and imagine that everyone who enters your office is a storm trooper. Something like that. And when you go on your lunch break, you take your food and sit out front of your job and watch the cars go by. Just like that. One day, you’re taking orders from your spouse or s/o, falling into the same black hole of a guilt trip you always do. The next day, you look at them, smile, and say “Nope!” and walk away. Just like that. One day, you sit and listen to your boss put you down and criticize your work and downplay your worth to the company. The next day, you say, “I’m a human being with feelings and you’re not going to talk to me that way. If you continue to put me down, i’m out.” and mean it. And I know, this all sounds slightly irresponsible, I know, I get it, you always have to do things you don’t want to do. I understand that. And I know not everything is supposed to make you feel good, not everything is going to make you happy. I’m not going to stop scrubbing the bathroom simply because it doesn’t line up with my idea of a good time. But i’m saying, you can’t let people bully you. You can’t let people control you. You can’t let concepts enslave you. You can’t do that to yourself because you’ll be nothing if you do. You’ll be no one. You’ll just be another face, another number, something to fill in the gaps, part of the scenery. That’s shitty. And, you know, maybe everyone else is happy with their lives. But, maybe they’re not. In either situation, it has nothing to do with you. How they live their lives and feel about their lives has nothing to do with you and your life.
I’m not going to get it right all the time, i’m gonna fuck up, i’m probably going to make some bad choices, i’m going to have some regrets, all of that is inevitable. But i’m not going to let my fear of those things dictate how I live. I’m not going to let people and situations suck the life out of me. If a situation isn’t doing me any good, if it’s destroying me from the inside out, i’m gonna walk. I’m just gonna walk. I’m not going to subject myself to things that are killing me and stealing my joy. If something doesn’t feel well with my soul, i’ll throw it out. I’m not going to get stuck in a hole while I watch life and the world pass me by, adding more dirt on top of me as it does. I’m not going to plan for my own demise, i’m going to live until I die. You get used to things that no longer serve you. People, places, situations. Maybe it’s the way you do your hair. Maybe you’re tired of it but you’re scared of trying something new. Maybe you’re with an abusive boyfriend but you’re scared that you’ll be alone forever if you leave. Maybe it’s a job which you aren’t moving forward in, you’re barely scraping by, but you fear making a change because you don’t want to mess with your livelihood. I’m telling you. You’ll die that way. You’ll die before you’re dead, that way. And if you do it, it’s your fault. Because no one and nothing controls you but you. That’s it. You may have the illusion that other people are controlling you….. family, friends, partners, even kids. But they’re not. You’re still you and you’re still in control. My brother got out of High School when he was 17 so that he could join the military. He wasn’t happy where he was. He was miserable. It wasn’t working for him. And everyone would tell him he needed to stay, he needed to finish school, go to college, all that fun stuff. But he didn’t. He did what he did and ended up traveling around the world. Saw places and did things I could only dream of. Made friends from everywhere. He did that. It’s his life. Me. If I had done things the normal way, a lot of things in my life wouldn’t have panned out the way they have, the way I feel they needed to. And it was hard. I bucked against a lot of people. But, ultimately, I ended up where I needed to be.
You’re never going to make everyone happy. Ever. People aren’t always going to like you. They won’t always agree with you. Sometimes, they’re going to laugh at you. Sometimes, they’re going to think you’re weird. Sometimes, you’ll get left out and left behind and forgotten. Sometimes, you’ll be treated really badly. But you’re still you. Be you. Don’t be them. Don’t fuck the show up because you’re too scared to play your part.
lmao. It’s funny how I sometimes get the urge to write. I’ve been cleaning and listening to music all morning. I laid down to take a break and wait for Kevin to bring back some subway (lol) and Coldplay came on and I was just like “Yeah. Okay.”
The thing is, it had me in a mood. I felt a mood. But then, as I sat down to write, this came on:
And now the mood has totally changed lol. It’s so funny how that works, how music can completely transform my mood. While I was cleaning, this was on:
And it reminded me of summertime, middle school, early mornings, weekends, spaghetti straps, hair clips, new shoes, the mall lol.
And this came on:
And it reminded me of one time when Shannon and I rode with our brother and his girlfriend to my grandparent’s house. There was a car accident and I-4 was literally a parking lot. I don’t think the AC was working…. it was hot as hell, the windows were down and I don’t even remember what happened but me, my brother, and my sister all started screaming at each other. We were mad about something lol. And his girlfriend was sitting in the front seat like “Please. Please get me out of here. Please.” lmao she looked terrified hahaha. That was one funny thing about us siblings whenever we’d start fighting. Our friends would get scared lol. We’d really get into it and whoever was around would get that paranoid/uncomfortable feeling like, “Should I say something? Should I stick up for my friends? No. They’ll make up, then i’ll be hated. But I can’t just sit here, can I? FUCK!” hahaha. I remember when my brother cussed me and Ashley’s boyfriends out. They were so freaked out lol. I have gone off on nearly every girlfriend he’s had and i’m telling you, he has had a LOT. Like, a lot, a lot. I was that sister haha. Oh God, I remember Jodi. She might have been the one in the car with us. We *hated* her. She was really, really, really normal. Way too normal for our level of comfortable dysfunction. She had this high pitched voice that would make your ears bleed. She was very prissy, very up tight, nothing like my brother, nothing like any of us. We knew he was only with her because of how pretty she was. And to make it worse, she was older than him. By like, 5 years maybe? And back then, that was kind of a big deal. So she was way out of touch with our reality. Well, naturally, she hated me and my sister lol. We made her really uncomfortable. We’d kind of fuck with her. And so, she’d get mad at my brother over it and he’d tell her she was being up tight. One time, she went with us to Walmart and she tried like super hard to be down hahahaha. She put her hat on backwards and started talking in all of this slang and being really loud and obnoxious, I feel so bad because I guess we were kind of bitches back then. But we said something to her which made her feel stupid and she cried. Don’t feel sorry for her, she really was a bitch. Really snooty and stuck up, talked down about our family, very superficial and materialistic. An airhead, basically. And she was controlling. She controlled my brother and would guilt him with her emotions and Jedi mind tricks lol. All of that to say, Semi-Charmed Life reminds me of that period of life haha. It puts me back in that mood lol.
Reminds me of me and my best friends in 6th grade, Jennifer and Amanda. We’d stay over at Jennifer’s house all the time and hang out in her room, listening to music. That was when we were rocking “Whatever” and “As If” shirts. The black ones with the white around the sleeves and collars. Skorts lol. Platform tennis shoes. Candy necklaces and friendship bracelets. Hair parted down the middle with clips in our bangs. And we all had a crush on this kid Derek in Jennifer’s neighborhood. He was the typical skater boy, blond bowl cut lol, flannels, chains, airwalks, etc. Jennifer had it the worst of all, naturally, since she lived there. And so whenever he would come over, we would put her on the spot and she would get so mad she would literally run off crying hahaha. We’d just make all of these subtle suggestions in regards to her crush on him and her face would turn stop sign red. She had anger issues lol, she had a lot of repressed aggression from her parents being so overbearing so every once in a while, she would totally lose her shit on us, scream, cry, throw things lol. She’d get over it pretty quickly but in the moment it was freaking hilarious. AOL. lol. This was the time of AOL. Chat rooms. Oh God, the chat rooms. Our other friend Jennifer hooked me up with the boy that lived next to her. God, I can’t even remember his name. Little blonde kid….. I think his name was James. YES. It was James. So awkward haha he was way more into me than I was into him but you know how middle school is. If you have a boyfriend of ANY sort, you’re legit. We were kind of the slacker group. Never dressed out for P.E. Me, my best friend, Kristen, Jennifer, Jennifer, Amanda, Leah, and a few guys. That’s what I remember the most. Just sitting there roasting on the pavement because we refused to dress out lol. Oh and in-school suspension like every week. They were brutal at Jeb Stuart. For ISS, we had to sit out on the sidewalk in front of the school. Death by heat exhaustion. If I were to assign a smell to this time of my life, it would be the smell of brand new black canvas nikes lol. I didn’t even know what I was getting into when I bought them, I just liked them, they were nike, good. But when I got those shoes lmao….. It’s like, in middle school, when you get a pair of new shoes, it is INSTANT popularity haha. All of a sudden, people you don’t even fucking know are waving to you in the halls. But when the shoes become old news, so do you haha. Oh dear, i’m worried for my kids. Middle school was so weird.
Okay. I’m starvin’, Marvin.