I think i’m at the point in this blog where the blog, as a whole, makes me feel stupid. Kind of like going to the club with a friend who made a poor fashion choice. Have you ever been in that situation with a friend?
It’s cute but it doesn’t fit.
It’s cute…… but it doesn’t fit.
Yes, it’s really cute. It still doesn’t fit you.
No, I agree. It’s cute. It just doesn’t really fit.
My blog is annoying. And tactless.
I watched an alien documentary the other night and they’re all pissing me off. It’s getting out of control. They had some really well-spoken, credible speakers on there…. and the whole thing would have been pretty useful…. but there was this one lady. Why do they do that? They throw a hatchet into the whole damn thing by bringing on one lady who is batshit crazy. She was abducted as a child. But it gets better. She was abducted because she wasn’t from this planet in the first place. She is from somewhere else. I don’t know where. She doesn’t know where. No one knows where this fucking star child came from. But she CLEARLY had breast implants and lip enhancements. Why would they do that? As the documentary progressed, she started getting weirder and weirder. You know how people on pills act? Their eyes get really wide and they could be telling you about the shape of the cereal they had that morning but they will act like they are letting you in on top secret information. That’s how she acted. And when she finished her final statement, she said, “I’m sorry, but I have to go.” And I face palmed.
I can’t handle people that make me feel embarrassed for them. It sounds so fucked up and i’m usually so easy to get along with, it’s really easy for me to relate to pretty much everyone. But as shitty as it sounds, sometimes I look at people and wonder how they ended up the way they did. Like…… who were the key players in your life that made you the way that you are lol. I understand that sounds really mean. I’m sorry. Here. Check this out. This is Trailer Trash Tammy. She’s actually a really normal lady but this is the act she does for Vine or whatever. Tammy is the fucking BEST because she perfectly describes that kind of awkward person i’m talking about. Where you can’t help but to look at them in total disbelief:
(very, very vulgar. You’ve been warned.)
I cannot handle her and that fucking Big Gulp LOL!
But seriously, this is the kind of people i’m talking about. Where you just look at them and sort of think, “What conditions had to be present in order to produce……you.” I was shopping the other day and I unfortunately ended up with nearly $100 worth of skin care products which don’t work. But don’t tell my husband that. Anyway, there was this lady in there with her son, I guess. He looked like he was three. She was pushing him in the shopping cart and she was SCREAMING at him. That’s one of those things that I will never, ever understand. She is alone. With her child. In a department store. And she is SCREAMING. At the child. Who is three. And she had this look on her face like she dared anyone to question her behavior. If she behaves that way in a department store, I can only imagine how she acts at home. How did that happen?
No, this isn’t where I wanted to go this morning.
I just sometimes think people are crazy, that’s all. I think i’m the normal one and everyone else is completely insane. Which scares me because I am too aware of the possibility that it is the other way around.
When I start getting uncomfortable…..when shit stops making sense…. when weird things happen or I become aware of weird things….. things that make no sense….. it makes me feel like flipping out. I get in that mood where I literally take nothing serious. A lot of things make me uncomfortable. This makes me uncomfortable:
I could only imagine what sort of conversations I could have with this guy. Endless fucking possibilities. But it still makes me uncomfortable. Imagine sitting in a coffee shop with him at the table next to you. Probably doing something obnoxiously weird, like sculpting something out of polymer clay or whatever. It would be one of those situations where you pretend to be looking around the room every five seconds just to lowkey scope out his situation, see what sort of set-up he has. Better yet, when you have a friend with you and you are both looking each other in the eye, while talking about this dude, but intentionally not moving your head to look in his direction. I’m judging him, for sure. He looks like the fucking rabbit from alice in wonderland. I’m literally dying to know what the story behind his pocket watch is. And you know….. he knows he’s out of control. He knew he was out of control the minute he rolled those pants up. He knows what time it is. And don’t you hate having to walk that tight rope with people? You don’t want to be perceived as intolerant and you know you’re not a total conformist but how can people seriously expect you to not be the least bit……alarmed? No, that’s not it. ummm… confused, maybe? Idk….. when this cat stops you and asks for directions to the nearest Walmart. Can you imagine this guy in Walmart? Be for real. What if this guy came into your job? I live in an offbeat neighborhood, I see weird shit all the time, i’m used to seeing weird shit. But i’m still judging lol.
I just need to ramble right now because i’m in a really crazy mood and I feel like everyone has lost their damn minds. You don’t have to read this, it’s not like i’m holding a gun to your head. Damn.
So, i’ve been talking to my sister and we have agreed that we are going to the club soon. Full on club whore. I need it in my life for just one fucking night. I need to feel in control of my life and my choices and I intend on doing that by decking out in the raunchiest shit imaginable and dancing my ass off in a disgusting night club. And I am not going to blow guys off by telling them i’m married. Why? Because i’m fucking married and that would be too easy. I plan on grossing them out. I’m already working on the strategy. I will ask a guy to pull my finger and he will do it, thinking i’m joking, but I won’t be joking. And I get extra points for wearing a skirt. I level up if I can make it flutter. Or like during casual conversation, I could pick my nose, roll it, and flick it while maintaining direct eye contact at all times. It’s going to be fucking glorious. Makes me think of this song when I envision scenarios like that:
I’m not kidding about the club, though. I already told Kevin. I think he’s okay with it. I’m making this happen. I don’t like feeling like i’ve totally settled into a comfortable life. It makes me feel weird. Sometimes you just need to break character and routine and do something different. Nothing wrong with that. As long as it’s not illegal or immoral, we’re good.
Hey, we have this flowered vase we got as a wedding gift. It’s cute but it’s a bitch to keep clean. And so, sometimes, I fantasize about the different ways I could break it so I have one less responsibility in life. When I think about the time in my life I will invest into making sure that vase is clean, it kind of pisses me off. “Congrats on the marriage, guys! Here’s another lifetime commitment in the form of an inanimate object that will never match your decor, won’t properly fit a bouquet of flowers, won’t tell you you’re pretty or make you coffee in the morning. Have fun cleaning it forever!” So I just sometimes picture accidentally knocking it off the table. “Oh, damn. Oops. Let me clean this up real quick. Bummer.”
I think i’m losing my fucking mind. Sorry you read this far.
You know what? I think i’m on a roll. I’m going to express myself in the form of a haphazard music selection.
I tried to be as random as possible. I don’t know how successful I was. And i’m sorry if I crashed your computer. Mine is crashing right now. Bye.