CAT.

Can’t stop. Won’t stop.

Remember on Looney Tunes how when a character started to talk off running, it’s feet were moving so fast that it wasn’t actually going anywhere?

That’s how my fingers feel right now lol.

I cannot type fast enough. Can’t. Okay so back in 2010 I blogged about finding a cat….. and naming it Kitsel, after my grandpa’s cat. That cat became my BFF. It followed me everywhere. When I was pregnant with Nova, she stayed curled up beside me. Well, she ran away and never came back. Her kitten, Dartanian, became my new BFF. He slept on my feet every night. He was the chillest cat in the universe. That’s why I love cats. They’re chill. They aren’t out of control like dogs are lol. Well, he ran away and never came back either and I was devastated. LIFE ALTERING CRISIS SCENARIO. That was like a year ago:( And I haven’t gotten another cat since then because I can’t go through that torture. We live near a busy road and the thought makes me want to vomit. I’m glad I never discovered them on the road or anything. I can’t even handle seeing strange cats become roadkill. It turns my stomach into knots. I want to scoop them up and give them proper funerals. I’m not even kidding right now, this isn’t funny so don’t laugh. I am a crazy cat lady. I fucking love the living shit out of cats.

Kevin just called.

We’re getting a CAAAAAAAATTTTTT!!!!!!!

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Someone abandoned some kittens at his job. He sent me a picture and my response was:

Get the gray and white one.

He’s mine.

I’m naming him.

He’s sleeping in the bed with me.

LOL.

He said, “They’re kind of scared and….”

Me: I am the cat WHISPERER, I will take care of that, just bring him to me.

I am going to love him and feed him and take him places and buy the coolest collar on the market and a cat condo and catnip and toy mouses and i’ll lay in bed at night with a laser and watch it run into walls and i’ll build a fort at night and we’ll hide in there with flashlights and I will tell it ghost stories and then jokes and we’ll just laugh and laugh and…

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I feel like this calls for a special occasion? Like I should probably go do my hair and makeup or something? I always hated how women carried those dog bags with their dogs inside…. I think it looks ridiculous.

Why?

Because they’re not fucking cats, that’s why.

I’m going to get a carrier and carry my cat in it and be like fuck your shih tzu.

He’s going to have the coolest name ever. And everyone’s going to be like, “Kristi, i’m not really a cat person but your cat is pretty amazing!”

And i’ll be all like, “I know.”

And instagram is never going to be the same again.

Merry Christmas, Happy Birthday, Get Well Soon, i’m getting a cat.

Corn fields dream and random video…..

My dreams have been so out of control lately, I can hardly remember them. I’m used to a lot going on in my dreams but this has been like “whoa”. I’m just finding myself in really weird situations where there’s a LOT going on and I can’t really focus on one particular thing long enough for me to remember anything. I know the other night I had a dream that T-Boz and Chilli were dancing in a log cabin my sister and I were staying in lol. It was weird. And she had a dream that her and I owed some people some money and they were out to get us, so we got Chris Brown to pay our debt off LOL. Weird. Anyways.

Last night, I had a dream that we were all staying in a country town. Both of my parents were there, just not together. Then, it was me, Kevin, the kids and Shannon….. but all I really remember is being with my dad and shannon. We were staying in some apartment above an old salvage store….. what is it with me and dreams of salvage stores, lately? Everything was a mess, boxes and boxes of random stuff tucked away here and there, furniture misplaced…. it looked more like an old attic than anything. I was getting ready to attend some event and I found a stand with a bunch of necklaces on it. I put on like 5 different necklaces, none of which matched, the last one being a rosary. Omg lol and my friend William was there with us. He was me and Arlesha’s best friend in Middle School. He was hanging out and laughing about how much of a train wreck I am when I try to get ready for stuff. Anyways, I left but I realized I had forgotten my shoes. It was night time. The area we were at looked a lot like Route 66. There were really old bars and stores on the street we were on but as you walk down a little further, it’s nothing but corn fields. So my Dad and sister had already gone ahead of me so I was running, trying to catch up. They began to walk through the corn fields and I was like, “Omg, I don’t have any shoes on, I can’t walk through the corn fields!” and so I was walking along, trying to find the break in the field….. and I looked up at the sky to see the stars and they were BRIGHT. Just as I glanced up, I saw a shooting star going across the sky. It was moving very slow and so I called out to Shannon to look, thinking she was going to miss it, but when she looked up, it was still moving….. and just when it began to die out, it burst into fireworks. It really was a shooting star but it turned into fireworks when it dispersed. And then I looked over to the left and there was some guys letting off fireworks from an old pick up truck on the side of the road. By this time, I was laying in a grassy area next to the corn fields, just watching the fireworks. And even now, the image is so vivid in my head, I can still see them casting a glow over everything. It felt so natural, it felt like I was actually there…. you know how it is when you just stare at fireworks in awe, not really talking or anything, just quietly admiring the display? It was like that. I was laying in the grass, watching the glow, and I felt very peaceful and reflective, kind of like time had slowed down in that moment and I couldn’t focus on anything else but the lights…. annnnnnddddd then I woke up.

Saturday, I attempted to record my Sarasota video. It didn’t work out and I don’t want to talk about it lol. So before I recorded it, I managed to ramble about some bs for a while. And by a while, I mean 20 minutes. Well, actually 30, but I realized that that’s the length of a freaking TV show so I toned it down a notch lol. Don’t watch it. It’s super boring.

I get really passionate when I talk about this stuff and I always look back and think, “You’re out of control. Simmer Down.”

Fight night.

I guess I will go ahead and blog before I start my day. I slept until like 10 or something, idk. But I can’t remember the last time I actually slept that late. I wake up at like 6:45 every morning. I would say it was nice to sleep in but I actually feel like I got hit by a freight train lol. Would have been better if I just got up and got in the shower. I guess i’m too used to not getting a lot of sleep lately.

We went to my brother’s house to see the fight last night. Kevin left way before me and took the kids with him. He called me and asked when i’d be making it out there and I said, “I don’t know, how many people are there?”…..”About 15, maybe?”…. “Okay, well, I don’t want to get there too early. People drain me, i’ll end up going to sleep.” LOL and that sounded totally normal to me, I didn’t realize it probably sounded very hermit-ish until he laughed like wtf?

I got there and I mingled but here’s what happened. As the conversation gets louder in these situations…. as more sub-conversations begin to spawn….. everything gets overwhelming. It’s not even about being nervous, I know all of these people. It’s just that crowds overwhelm me because I am WAY too aware of my environment. If shit hit’s the fan, i’m the first to know. I am the first to react to situations. Because i’m anticipating it. I can’t turn it off. I will be in the middle of a conversation with someone but I hear everything happening in the conversation taking place next to me and kids running around and it’s just too much. Way too much. So, anyways. At one point during the night, I didn’t even do it consciously…. I just randomly made my way into an empty room, it’s like their little game room in the front…. I turned off the lights and laid down on the floor in the corner lol. It was only when their dog Harry came up and laid down with me and I started taking selfies with him that I realized wow…. i’m an actual loser LOL. There is a party going on outside and i’m in here taking selfies with the dog LOL! And in the midst of these shenanigans, one of the guys came in and said, “Excuse me….” and I realized I was laying right in front of the wine cooler hahaha….. that was pretty awkward. And I didn’t even have a taste of alcohol all night. I got drunk on coffee lol. Before I left, I sort of predicted what was going to happen and so I thought about bringing my journal with me so that I could escape and write….. but I thought that was really pathetic so I didn’t….

It’s not that I don’t like mingling, I do. I really do. I love having people to talk to. But as i’ve said many times, I don’t really enjoy small talk all that much. I really like Tym because we have a lot of the same interests and can talk forever about conspiracies and human behavior and stuff like that…. but not everyone is into that sort of thing and so they’re all talking about current events and just funny things that happened to them at work or stuff like that and it’s totally cool, i’m not saying I have to have deep conversations all the time. But with small talk, it’s very brief, quick interactions that take place in rapid succession and it’s not that I can’t keep up, I just don’t like keeping up. I like to slow down, chill, and have thoughtful conversations. A little more in depth than small talk would allow. Conversations that help me really connect with people. So I can take it in small doses but when the night consists of that, it just gets to be too much and so I tend to withdraw. And dear sweet Jesus. I am not trying to badmouth anyone here, I understand this chick had a lot to drink and that I don’t really know her, personally. She could be awesome, I have no idea. But she was LOUD. She made her presence known throughout the night. I swear I heard her say she was from Baltimore like 20 times. Even when she was talking about something that had nothing to do with Baltimore, she found a way to somehow relate it to her being from Baltimore. Loud. Very loud and domineering. I can’t handle much of that. It’s really, really obnoxious to me. And to make matters worse, she was literally the only one rooting for Mayweather. Like, the ONLY one. So every time Mayweather threw a lick, she’d be like, “Hit that biiiiittttchhhhhh…..” and i’m like omg. What are you even doing right now. When she screamed, it totally dominated. Like, all you could hear was her. And she’s rooting for this asshole. “Get that money! Get that money, hit that biiiiiittttcccchhhh”…. and this is so mean but all I could think was can someone please chloroform this chick so we can watch this expensive ass fight we just paid for. She got so drunk and carried away, she literally fell out of her chair. But it didn’t shut her up, unfortunately. It takes a lot of self-control to not speak up in situations like that. In my younger days (lol) I probably would have ended up having a serious altercation with her. Because I would have told her to knock it off. I would have reached my breaking point where the sound of her voice would cause my ears to feel like they are bleeding, and I would have snapped. Kevin even got annoyed by it, at one point he got close to the TV so he could hear what they were saying and she’s still back there hollering Mayweather and shit and he snapped and said, “Shut up!” lol I didn’t expect that haha Kevin is a mellow dude so you know it had to be bad.

Anyways, yeah. I don’t think this is like an obstacle to overcome. I don’t “avoid” anything. I still attend, I still interact. But everyone is different, I don’t see a need for me to become the social butterfly because that’s just not who I am and i’m okay with that. There are definitely times where I can be…. like if the energy or vibe of the atmosphere or whatever is relatively chill, I can make my rounds and interact and be okay for extended periods of time. But when things get loud and rowdy and confusing and all of that, i’d rather just hide in a corner somewhere. Sensory overload. Can’t deal.

Mayweather is a biznitch.

Out.

Don’t think about it.

My hair is too much process. I hate having to do my hair. I hate having to deal with it. I curse these genes that ruin my life every time I have to wash, blow dry and straighten my hair…..

So I looked decent in my Sarasota video update. That wasn’t the problem. The problem is, I turned into the socially awkward penguin and got frustrated. That is one of my biggest downfalls. No, not the socially awkward part… the fact that I get so frustrated. Shit just annoys me. And I spiral out of control. I hate it when things don’t run smoothly. Hate it. In those moments of frustration, everything annoys me. Peoples’ faces annoy me. My face annoys me. My name annoys me. My outfit annoys me. My toes annoy me. The ground annoys me. Everything is stupid. The computer is stupid. Keyboards are definitely stupid. The sky is just up there looking stupid. Don’t talk to me. Don’t look at me. Go away. I’m invisible. I’m serious. lol. So that happened the other night when I was recording my video. I got too annoyed. Because I want to not worry about what people might thing. The moment I start to worry about what people think, everything goes to total shit. So i’m having to spend my Saturday re-recording that video. Life. What is it lol.

I work best when I am unscripted. No expectations. No one is pushing me to do something. If you tell me to do something, i’m probably not going to do it. I’m saying. When Kevin stops bugging me about the house work, I get shit done. Things get handled. But when he hounds me….. it’s not even like it’s a conscious decision to rebel lol. It’s like my subconscious is an asshole. I am born to subconsciously rebel against orders. I’m not a part of your system lol. And so, whenever I feel like people expect things of me, I just sort of subconsciously do the opposite of what they expect. Yes, this is definitely my downfall.

Like, my best writing came from when I didn’t even think about it. When I avoid the rational thought process altogether and just sit down and write, magic tends to happen. And I look back over it and i’m like, you’re a boss. But when I try to make sense of things, when I try to put things down logically, I suck at it. Like now i’m learning the guitar. In the beginning, I was worried about how long is was going to take and whether or not I have the time to invest in it and blah blah blah…. but when I just stopped worrying about how bad I suck, stopped worrying about whether or not I would produce any sort of sound that *wouldn’t* make peoples’ ears bleed, I got better. I am getting better, now. Shooting the bow. When I stand there a second too long, thinking about the target, I miss it by a fucking mile. But when I pick up the bow, aim for split second and shoot, I nail it. I am at my best when I put no thought into things. And that seems a little counterintuitive, I know. But that’s just the way it is. People always tell you how to plan things out, how to structure things, etc. But the thing is, I am an unstructured person by default. I wasn’t made to be structured and organized. So when I try to put thought into things and structure them, nothing works out right. There’s always steps I forget to include, things that come in and screw things up, or I just get so frustrated by the “planning” phase that I walk away from it, whatever “it” is. My best answers come off the top of my head. My greatest accomplishments are things which I didn’t plan for, they just happened.

Writing helps me with this. I don’t think, I write. That’s why it’s so beneficial. I AM a thinker. And that’s a good thing, a lot of the time. I like that I am so observant and analytical. But when it comes to taking action, I will think my way into paralysis and I won’t budge. Or, I’ll mess things up. It’s kind of like when you linger around in the mirror too long. You put too much thought into the way your hair looks, the way your makeup looks, your outfit…. which… I sometimes do…. because I feel like people expect me to look a certain way. And I know that’s crazy thinking but that’s just what it is. And so, knowing that people expect things of me, I put too much thought into trying to live up to their expectations and end up walking around looking like shit all day. When people make assumptions about me being intelligent… which…. I don’t really think I am half the time, I think i’m winging it, living on a prayer, lucking up, etc…. so when they get this crazy idea that i’m smart, I feel like I have to live up to that…. and it stresses me the fuck out. My videos. Everyone enjoys them so much and sometimes thinks they’re brilliant when all I ever did was sit there and ramble about stuff…. but the positive feedback makes me feel like I need to live up to their expectations. So I sit in front of the camera and think too much about what i’m saying and how I look and I start fumbling for words, telling myself my hair looks stupid, the lighting is shit, i’m rambling, this doesn’t make any sense at ALL and i’m basically going to waste 15 minutes of life for thousands of people LOL. That’s how that went down. So when I cut the video up and edited it and everything, Kevin and I sat down and watched it and he agreed that I looked nice, he agreed that the video was put together well….. but that my energy sucked. Because it did. Because I was drained. I can’t function when things get too complicated and i’ve become mentally exhausted. Ideas stop flowing, I can’t articulate properly, everything just goes downhill and I get to a point that I can’t recover, I just have to hang it up and try again another time.

Oh yeah, so, writing. Writing is a good exercise for me. It helps me to not think about things. It silences the inner monologue and clears my brain, brings focus, that sort of thing. So I write as much as humanly possible because if I didn’t, if I didn’t have a way to shut the thoughts up, i’d totally lose my shit.

Don’t smile, your face might crack.

You know what? I said I wanted my own office when we get our place.

I have upgraded. I want a shed out back lol. I want to sound proof it and put an AC in there.

Omg. I just can’t deal sometimes. You know, the weekend rolls around and I am sure I could manage to get myself out *somewhere* but I never even feel like dealing up. My free time is spent alone. I have to have time to be away from noise and chatter and distractions and lights and stuff and stuff and stuff. Too much stuff. I need a quiet room. It wouldn’t have harsh lighting because that is a no-go in my book. I am so sensitive to my surroundings, I hate when things are too harsh. Harsh noise, harsh lights, bombarding personalities, confusion. No. Can’t. I’ve always wanted to install one of those fiber optic ceilings which resemble the night sky. And there are cool projectors that could even project things like clouds or the northern lights or whatevs. And there would be soft, colored lights hidden in corners. Blue here, green there, pink there. But nothing harsh, just ambient. Can you tell I am going to my happy place right now? LOL. I want a wall to wall, floor to ceiling book case full of my favorite books and classic novels i’ve yet to read and encyclopedias and books of art and all that fun stuff. And on the shelves I would want cool wooden brainteasers and interesting looking rocks and little things from around the world to represent different cultures and various globes and microscopes and daggers and just all of those little things I love. I would want a comfy couch in there. Preferably something that is pre-owned and vintage so not only would it look cool but it would be broken in already lol. I hate uncomfortable couches that people buy just for show. And i’d want a ton of throw pillows on it with different textures and prints. And a cashmere throw……but not the little ones made for little people. I don’t know why they default to that obnoxiously small size. When I wrap up in a blanket I like to look like a burrito lol. So there’s that. I would want a really comfortable area rug, one that wouldn’t make me feel like i’m being assaulted every time I try to lay on it. Because I am definitely known for laying on the floor lol. No boundaries. It’s all good. I’d want a coffee table made out of some old, rugged wood, something that looks like it was put together from scrap wood laying behind a shed somewhere. And I would have very cool coffee table books on it and fresh flowers. My desk would have to be massive. That’s just the way it is. For one, i’m positive it will look like a disaster a good 95% of the time so I need enough room to shove stuff to the side lol. But also, I have an embarrassingly large pen/marker/pencil collection. I’d like to have those on display, easily accessible. And all of my journals, notebooks, paper, stationary stuff would need to fit. And all of my random office supplies that I like to keep but never use. I promise you, I will never use a paperclip for it’s intended purpose but that doesn’t stop me from wanting to buy all of the cool ones of different shapes, sizes and colors. I’d want a magnet board somewhere and i’d want to collect awesome magnets. My chair would have to be an oversized, soft, brown executive chair. Soft leather. Not that stiff stuff. One of the walls would be a map. A MASSIVE map. And i’d add cool push pins to the places i’ve been and the places i’d like to go. Yes, I have no shame pushing a tack into the wall. Or drawing on it lol. Speaking of. There would also have to be a chalkboard wall. I don’t like for things to be so permanent so the wall which I hang my pictures on would have to be painted with chalk board paint. So I could write myself motivational messages and stuff and draw pictures or whatever….. but knowing me, i’d be on the phone with someone and take notes on the wall lol. I’ve done that plenty of times, you know. Can’t find a piece of paper, write on the wall. I’m a train wreck and i’m not sorry lol. “Who writes on their wall?!?!?!”…….. I do. I’d want plants and a huge fish tank because I like being around living things, just not necessarily interacting with the all the time lol. I like having fish because I like watching things and they give me something to watch lol. Now i’m just looking for stuff lol. I think I would like to have an ant farm. Like, a big one. Where they dig into that gel or whatever. I am so fascinated by ants it is borderline weird lol. That would be something cool to keep on a shelf. I would definitely want a really good sound system not just to listen to music but I also like listening to thunderstorms and stuff. If I am super stressed out and classical isn’t doing it for me, that’s what I listen to. I would also want a few of those fans that simulate breezes. This all just sounds so perfect to me. And a fire place, while i’m still dreaming haha.

You know what’s really funny? I had no intentions of writing any of ^that but i’m glad I did because I already feel better.

Kevin. Omg. Kevin lol.

Kevin: Hey isn’t tomorrow Cinco De Mayo?

Me: Kevin, what’s today’s date?

Kevin: The first.

Me: Okay. So what is tomorrow’s date?

Kevin: The second.

Me: Okay, good. So…. when is cinco de mayo?

Kevin: Uhhhhh….. the fourth?

Me: (facepalm) are you being for real right now? Think about it.

Kevin: (counts in spanish) oh, the fifth. I don’t know, I don’t speak spanish.

Me: Neither do I lol……

I want to write this down before I forget. I hate it when I am filling out fields in a form and I tab just as I realize I made a mistake. Isn’t that annoying? I know you can shift+tab back but then it highlights it and it just makes it complicated lol. I get annoyed by little things like this probably more than I should.

Another thing I thought of today:

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I saw that on Facebook today (of course I did, why not? lol) and it really, really annoyed me. I want to slap that expression off of her face lol. I am a woman, kind of….. I guess in a roundabout way you could consider me a woman lol. I have boobs so I guess that qualifies me. Anyways….. and so, I am an insider….. kind of…. not totally but maybe a little bit. And I know how women work. And let me just tell you, there is absolutely nothing worse than a bitter, resentful, wrathful, angry woman. A scandalous, vengeful, trifling woman….. the kind that steps on everyone in her path. The kind that uses people to get where she wants in life. The kind that treats those around her as tools to get her where she needs to be or to make her comfortable, rather than as actual, living, breathing human beings. She thinks the entire world revolves around her. She gossips about people behind their back and then smiles in their face. She doesn’t know how to give a sincere apology or pay a compliment to someone. She complains 24/7 about her life but does nothing to improve it. She victimizes herself. She uses all of the misfortunes of her past (that she brought on herself) to excuse her shitty behavior towards other people. When she finds a man, she finds a provider, someone to take care of her and make her life easier, someone to make her feel good about herself, to be there when she wants him to but disappear when she doesn’t want to be bothered, someone to worship the ground she walks on and never have any sort of life of his own….. because he is merely a tool in her vast toolbox. It’s all about her life, her dreams, her goals, her desires, never about his. When it comes to having friends, she’s the first to show up at your house at 3:00 in the morning to complain about her latest drama but the last to answer the phone for a friend in need. Nothing is important to her unless it directly affects her. She only has use for that which can benefit her, personally. She has an excuse for everything. She never falls in actual love with anyone because she doesn’t even love herself. She’s the type to cry about a one night stand to the guy who has had her back for literally years…… and she’d string him along because he is disposable. Everyone in her life is disposable. She is ungrateful. She doesn’t appreciate the things she has and alway covets what those around her has. She is jealous. She can’t stand to see someone prettier, smarter, friendlier, kinder than her….. and so, she’s a hater….. but she will never seek to obtain the more difficult qualities she admires in other women…. it’s so much easier to paint your nails, put on false lashes and extensions and slip into a pair of stilettos than it is to actually read a book and learn something, work on building her character and fixing her flaws…. and she will use her looks to get what she wants and when she gets it she’s never satisfied.

That’s what I thought of when I saw that trashy picture lol. And it is such a tragedy that SO many women are like this. Maybe not to the extreme that I listed above….. but women can be brutal…. they can be mean…. superficial…. jealous…. wrathful…. just miserable people. Men definitely have their issues, I will be the first to vouch for that. They just hide them much better than women do. Have you ever dealt up with a woman like this? I have. PLENTY of times…. and they are like parasites which try to latch onto your SOUL and rob you of every bit of joy and hope you have in you lol. They are energy vampires. As soon as they walk into the room, you feel physically drained. Yeah. If you even remotely resemble this sort of woman, it’s time to dig inside of yourself and sort some shit out lol.

Blah. Anyways. I guess i’m done. I totally ruined my happy place lol. I am going to try to get some Talbot in before the fight tomorrow night. We’re bringing the kids, other people are bringing their kids…. kids…. adults…. alcohol…. noise…. that stuff. Fun times, yes…. but draining, for sure. Okay. I’m out.

If I were rich…..

I want to keep track of all of the articles I read but I don’t like putting in the effort of actually pinning them lol. If I am on Facebook, there is a good chance i’m reading an article. That’s one of the main reasons I don’t like leaving Facebook. I mean, I like to be able to keep in touch with friends, share photos and cute things the kids say or what not…. I like seeing what’s going on in everyone’s life, yes, even what they had for dinner. But I deactivate my account a lot. Why? Because people start annoying me lol. It just starts to get annoying, especially when a new crisis situation occurs. I need to work on that, I need to work on not letting that bother me so much. I hate to be so judgmental, I know I am probably really foul for questioning motives and sincerity regarding interest in current events. But, when I log on facebook, especially in the midst of campaign season or during some sort of headline like the riots happening or whatever, all I can think is, “This is another form of entertainment for them.” Like…. being at a football game. You’ve got all of these people crowded around watching the players on the field…. rooting for their team… one side or the other… and it’s entertaining…. and people argue about who did what and the calls the ref makes and people start getting really defensive and combative and it’s like….. none of you are even playing lol. I mean, I get it when it comes to football. I get it. It could also be compared to other forms of entertainment… concerts, television shows, the circus, etc…. I guess. And just all of these people are standing around watching but they’re not really participating. But Facebook gives people this illusion that they are, in fact, participating. When they’re not. I see people saying really stupid shit like, “defriend me now” and i’m like good Lord… really? I used to love debating when I was younger. I used to love expressing my point of view…. but that was when we were younger and people were a little more receptive to opposing views. The older we get, the more people shut down and just won’t listen. They do not care about anyone else’s point of view but their own. It’s like going to a rock show with ear buds in, listening to something entirely different. Like…… why…. and so I just tend to try and stay out of it. That isn’t even what I wanted to do, here lol. I guess I just thought about it because of the article thing. Anyways, yes. I read a TON of stuff everyday. RANDOM stuff. Today, I read an article on how to improve your lateral thinking, how to reclaim your life, what true love is, and maybe 3 or 4 other articles. I love reading about different topics. It pains me to think of alllllllll of the stuff i’ve read over the years that i’ve long forgotten. I need to stay on top of that. Anyways.

I am going to go ahead and switch it up, here. I need a good distraction and so I am going to write about something different.

Cheesy. But different. Because I can, that’s why.

Okay, so one of my constant prayers is that God never gives me anything that could distract me from him. I know how that sounds, but let me explain. Money, for example. If a showering of financial success is ultimately going to lead to me somehow falling away, i’d rather not have it. And I know the real test is when you get these things but still remain true. Even still. It’s hard to articulate. I don’t believe in praying for “abundance”. Like, praying for materialistic things. We’re not even supposed to be materialistic, how am I going to pray for that? I pray that God meets my needs. Like, when I needed a car. I prayed God kept us safe in the one I had lol. I always had in the back of my mind that if God EVER wanted to bless me with a new car, i’m not going to object lol that would be great. But rather than outright saying, “God, there’s this Acadia that i’ve been eyeballing, think you could hook that up?” I would just trust that God works on His own timing and will give me what I need, not necessarily what I want. And so I just prayed that if my death trap of an SUV was what I needed, just please don’t let us crash lol that’s all i’m saying. But when I finally blew out that last tire, I was shaking so bad I prayed that God would somehow make it happen. Doesn’t have to be spectacular, just something safe. And it wasn’t very long after that that we got a generous donation from a generous man on the same day that Kevin wrecked my car. Boom, boom, boom. Money deposited, car wrecked, signing the paperwork for the car i’ve always wanted by that night. Don’t tell me God didn’t do that. When does stuff like that happen? Just like right now, we’re still at my mom’s house. She’s not here, we’ve basically taken over. And I hate it. But i’m not going to sit up here and beg God to make things easy for me or give me something I know I don’t deserve. No, I don’t feel like I deserve a house right now. I’m not getting into that but that’s what it is. Of course I want one but sometimes what you want is completely different from what you need and I am trusting that God has me right where I need to be for the moment. Rambling, sorry. Anyways, money.

Damn, I can’t even do it lol. I want to write up my “if I were rich” scenario….. but I don’t think it would ever be possible for me to be rich. I wouldn’t be able to hold onto the money. I’m serious, I don’t know how I could do that. Listen, this is my blog and I can be perfectly honest, here. I am not trying to shine or anything like that but i’m not going to downplay who I am as a person for fear it comes off as “boasting”. I am not boasting, God knows my heart. I am that person that will give away my last dime to someone in need, before my needs have even been met. I guess I get that from my dad. I literally feel sick when I pass someone on the streets asking for cash and I have none to give. I’ve gotten so much more intentional about keeping cash on me but sometimes it just escapes me and I hate it. There was a lady in the bathroom at the CTE concert and she was doing her thing, passing out mints, handing out paper towels, she had perfume set up and all of that, you know the deal. And even though I didn’t use her services, I kept telling her that I knew she was working hard, it’s gotta suck sitting in a bathroom all night, and that when I came back, i’d come back with a tip for her…. and I forgot EVERY SINGLE TIME. And she left. And I didn’t get to tip her. And here we are, weeks later…. and it still bothers me. That’s just how I am and I feel like I can share that about myself if I want to lol. So the idea of me getting rich makes me uncomfortable because the thought of having that much money sitting in the bank, when there are people out there in REAL need, I don’t see how I could sleep at night. Every friend late on their bills, every friend struggling with car issues, everyone struggling to buy groceries, every fundraiser I encounter, just everything….. I would not be able to hold onto the money. There would literally always be a cause for me to donate and I do not have it in my heart to say no. I just can’t imagine having that much money and witnessing people around me suffering…… knowing I could help them…. I couldn’t…. every tragic email I get from someone going through a dental crisis, unable to afford dental care, i’d be writing checks for days. And I don’t question people. I never question peoples’ sincerity when it comes to their needs. If they say they need it and I have it, they got it. So imagining a hypothetical “i’m rich, bitch!” scenario is practically impossible for me……

But I will try lol….

Okay, if I had BOATLOADS of money….. here’s what I would do.

First, every person in my circle would be set. I would buy my parents new cars and houses. That would be top priority. Whatever they needed, I would handle that, first. Then, I would set up accounts for my kids to make sure they are taken care of. Then, whatever needs my friends and acquaintances might have would be met. Like if they have certain debts that are holding them back or if they are in need of a car or something like that, i’d take care of that. I would pay for our church to have whatever renovations they need done taken care of. And something else i’ve always wanted to do. I have always wanted to #1 give money to random strangers. Like in the grocery store, pay for their groceries. Go to a bar and pay everyone’s bar tab. Give money to random people on the streets. Maybe a construction worker or a crossing guard or something…. even a bus driver. Something. I think about that a lot and i’d love to be able to do that. Buy toys for kids in the neighborhood….. or new bikes for them or something. And #2 hide money around town in envelopes. Taped to a bus bench or on someone’s windshield….. hanging from a tree lol. That sounds like fun and it just seems that it wouldn’t even so much be about the money, but that some people might have a restored faith in humanity by being the recipient of something like that. After everyone is taken care of, i’d peace out to Europe for a bit lol I would want to go backpacking allover Europe. And no, no luxurious hotels. I want to experience it, authentically. Like how I would if I were just one of those struggling artist types, staying in hostels, hanging out with the locals, that kind of thing. I would LOVE that. No, why stop at Europe? I would travel the world. Like, everywhere, even Antarctica. And I would continue trying to spread positivity wherever I went. Whether it’s just lending an ear to someone who’s lonely, helping an old lady cross the street (lol cliche, I know) or helping someone out of a tough situation….. and I would write about the whole thing. I would start a blog to tell my tales lol. Of course this would have to be a summer thing, because of the kids and all. I would want them to go to the best school they could but I would also want them to live a normal childhood. I would want them to get dirty, do their chores, work for the things they get, etc…. that’s the thing, I wouldn’t want money to change us. And it seems almost impossible for it not to. But this is a hypothetical scenario.

All the while, I would be donating to various causes. See? I couldn’t keep the money lol. I couldn’t just pick a cause and stick to it. I’d go crazy. Why do you think I haven’t mentioned any material things i’d buy? LOL. I don’t see how I could do it. I don’t see how people buy like 6 expensive ass cars while children allover the world are starving. How the money they spent on their outfit could have fed an entire village. I just don’t understand that. That wouldn’t bring me any sort of joy, I wouldn’t be happy, i’d be miserable. I would feel like a terrible person and I wouldn’t be able to sleep at night. I would want a nice house, something really interesting. I’ve blogged about that before. Something out of a painting. Not living in a lavish mansion in Beverly Hills or anything, that sounds depressing….. being around a bunch of selfish hoarders who can only talk about their wealth and possessions. That sounds like a nightmare scenario for me. I would want to live in actual hills lol. With tall grass blowing in the wind, huge oak trees and willow trees and wildflowers everywhere….. surrounded by woods…. a lake of some sort…. my own garden and a shit ton of various animals. Speaking of animals, I would finally buy a monkey. What’s my favorite animal? Monkeys lol. I would definitely want to pay someone to train it because I am not good at that sort of thing haha. But when we got that under control and I felt confident that it wouldn’t claw my face and wreck my house in the middle of the night, he’d be cool in my crib. I’d ring a bell and have him bring me a soda hahaha. And he’d wear one of those little top hats lol. Like a miniature top hat hahahaha. Omg, that would be the shit lol. But yeah, of course i’d like to buy clothes and stuff but nothing out of the norm. I wouldn’t have a room full of designer shoes or anything. I would like to have an obstacle course so Kevin and I could play war or something. That would be awesome. A cool clubhouse for the kids…. but not those miniature houses, those things suck. It takes the fun out. I would still want Kevin and myself to get out there and help them build something from scratch, we’d just have the money to buy decent supplies to do it with lol. The thing is, I would have to keep Kevin under control if we got rich. I hate to say it but he is materialistic. He likes having nice things. World War III would occur in our house if he came home with like a Maserati or something. I’m not having that lol. He gets one car to fuck with and work on and that’s it. We don’t hoard automobiles lol. Sorry Kevin. Anyways I would also want to start a few charity organizations. One to help people who need dental work. Another to help children and teens who are victims of bullying. Another to reach out to lonely senior citizens. Another to help homeless people get back on their feet. And then another to contribute to the world hunger problem. I am sure I could think of more but that’s what I have for now.

I could probably write a lot more but my ass is numb. Yeah. I couldn’t be rich. I would be broke again in a matter of months.

Standing up for yourself…..

It’s not right if it’s not random so i’ll start this with some random, irrelevant thing that has nothing to do with anything lol. My #MCE is Zac Efron lol. Of course he is GORGEOUS but he is also a pretty humble dude. I’m not a celebrity stalker or anything like that but he has an amazing personality, bold, courageous, stands for something, always moving forward, etc lol. Anyways so I had to throw that in there, I don’t want to look like one of those vain people that only cares about looks lol. I should not be crushing on Zac Efron haha. Kevin knows the deal lol. Anyways so Shannon texted me a link to an article and it showed this:

0428-zac-efron-underwear-front-back-hornet-pcn-4

LMAO!

But I guess she was just concerned with the pictures, while, I actually like to read the articles, too. They said he was at Tybee Island, filming for his new movie. That is basically like right up the street, dude. So I called her and said, “Get up, get your shit, we’re going to tyb..sd;f;ih.as;ghasgi….zsdh” and literally went retarded hahahaha! I couldn’t even talk straight LMAO we were dying hahahaha!

So that’s my random bit for now.

Now it gets real.

Okay so I was on my way home earlier from getting the kids. When I drive, my favorite thing to do (besides listen to music, sing, etc) is observe the people on the streets. I watch all of them. The best I can, anyways. Like, when i’m at a red light, i’ll pay attention to the people sitting at the bus stop, watch them on their phones or digging in their purses or whatever. I’ll watch people walking by, riding bikes, doing whatever it is they do. I’m a serial people watcher lol. It’s a chronic condition. I love observing people way more than I probably should lol. And when I watch people, I try to really pay attention to them. I watch their body language and facial expressions. I notice the clothes they are wearing, their hair, every detail I can. And I try to size them up, I guess. Like, I try to figure out what their deal might be. Are they happy? Sad? Married? Divorced? Have kids? Do they like their job? What sort of job might they have? Do they have friends? Just all sorts of randomness lol. Literally can’t get enough of it. So anyways, on my way home, I saw two teenage boys riding their bikes. Now, just by their body language alone, I drew up the assumption that most likely neither of them were part of a popular crowd. I mean, these are just my assumptions, i’m probably totally wrong. Anyways, they looked like they were probably best friends, two peas in a pod, do everything together, both probably curious but lean more to the cautious side. The first boy that passed seemed like he may be a little more confident than the second. He had his head a little higher and was sitting up on his bike. His posture looked like someone who might be timid but doesn’t want to lead anyone to believe he is so he was overcompensating in his posture. Anyways. And the second boy that passed was very overweight. For one, he was struggling just to ride the bike, breathing heavy. But the thing is, he was looking down at the ground and he had this look on his face that screamed “I do not want to be riding my bike on this main road. I will not make eye contact with anyone. Look down, keep peddling. Please, no one look at me.” Like i’m serious, it was so apparent. And a wave of sadness came over me. He looked like the type of guy that doesn’t want to speak up because he doesn’t want to draw attention to himself. He just wants to stand on the sidelines as much as possible, make as little of a splash as he can and just get by. And it was sad. He looked like he doubts himself, his beliefs, his abilities, his self worth, all of it. He probably takes his anger and frustration out on the people closest to him because he has nowhere else to channel it. So I imagine he probably lashes out at his siblings, if he has any, and maybe even at his parents or whoever his guardians are. Keep in mind, these are just conclusions I draw up. It’s not judging because I am not fixed in my opinions at all. I’m open to being proven wrong. But I feel things about people. And this is just the feeling I got from him based on *maybe* 4 seconds of seeing him.

I was just sad. I know it’s wildly inappropriate lol he is a minor, maybe 16 or so…. and i’m a 31 year old woman haha. But I just got the overwhelming desire to just slow the car down, smile at him and say hello haha. Just something to make him feel good, something to cheer him up and make him feel noticed. These things bother me the most. I know how teenagers can be. There’s the REALLY shitty ones who literally don’t care about anyone. They make life hell for kids like this. Then, there are the ones who pick on these kids so they can maintain some sort of authority around school. The more kids they taunt, the more strength they feel they have. It’s their own defense mechanism. Then, there are the wimps. The cowards that will chime in by laughing along or agreeing with the insults and joining in on the taunting…. because they are too chicken shit to speak up, for fear they may be the next target. I am telling you, if I see someone getting bullied…. if I hear someone mouthing off about someone…. like right now, in adulthood…. I will not put up with it. I don’t care who you are, if I see you treating someone poorly just because you can, i’m going to say something. And I wish with this mentality and the wisdom I have gained in adulthood, I wish that I could just attend highschool for a day and stand up for every single kid that gets hell from people. I would be RELENTLESSLY cracking jokes on the bullies to the point they cry. And I know that’s not the answer but I really do think that, even if they are hurting too, sometimes they just need a dose of their own medicine. They don’t understand what sort of damage they are causing to people and the only way they will is if someone does it to them. I am not one of those parents who teaches my kids to run away. If someone punches you in the face and you feel like you have the slightest chance at getting a fair shot at them, you take it. Because, if you don’t, they’re not going to stop. You don’t take shit, you don’t let people talk down to you, you don’t let people walk allover you and make your life hell. Okay, let me backtrack lol. I’m not talking about a school fight scenario where everyone has formed a circle around you and is standing there egging you on. The real courage is in knowing you have nothing to prove, and walking away. I wouldn’t encourage my kids to feed into something like that. But i’m saying, if someone just walks up on you and sucker punches you just because they can, you lay their ass out. Hands down. One clean lick to the face, lights out. I do not promote violence but I also don’t promote cowardice. I want my kids to be humble, sure. Absolutely. But I want them to be bold enough to stand up for themselves. To know that even if they get knocked down, they can get right back up. Even if they lose the fight, they can still go to school the next day with their heads held high. Bullies will NEVER learn, they will NEVER let up unless you stand up to them. The teachers WILL NOT do anything. They can’t guard you all of the time. I’m saying. You face them. They call you names, you don’t hang your head. You look them in the eyes. You don’t take alternate routes, no matter what. You face them head on, every single time. You get jumped? You walk right past them the next day. Over and over if you have to. You get hit, you hit them back. That’s just how I feel.

Our world is SO politically correct. Everyone is so offended by everything. We are turning into a world of cowards. No mettle. No heart. No honor. It makes me think of the woman caught whooping her son’s ass at the riot in Baltimore. I am genuinely shocked at the response to that. So many parents are into this new-age, progressive, positive parenting thing. And I get a lot of it, I understand it. You get more bees with honey. But if parents could spend more time disciplining their kids, they’d spend a lot less time having to correct them. And i’m sorry, there are certain situations in which I feel kids need a royal ass whooping. When they do things so foul, so inappropriate, so out of control and absurd, they need a beating. Not abuse…. but just a, “Hey. Look here.” type of thing.  When done correctly, I think it is WAY more effective than simply, “Okay sweetie, tell me what’s wrong. Why would you call your teacher a cheap, two dollar whore and make sexually suggestive gestures towards her? Is there something you’re going through that I don’t know about?” Knock. It. Off. Beat. His. ASS. Then talk. Talk AFTER you have tore his little ass up lol. The world isn’t pretty. You can shelter your kids and cater to them all you want to NOW….. but when they spread their little eagle wings and fly out in the world someday, they aren’t going to know how to handle it. You can hide your kids from bullies NOW….. but bullies don’t always grow out of it. There are 80 year old bullies walking this earth, friends lol. They are going to run into some bullies at work. They’ll run into bullies at the bar. They will encounter them. And they won’t know how to handle it. It just makes me think of those two girls in the grocery store when I worked at the bar. I was minding my business, shopping for juice for the bar and talking on my phone. As they passed, I ran into a shelf….. and they TAUNTED me. I could have easily gotten away from them if I wanted to but FUCK that. I got in line behind them and they just wouldn’t stop. “She must have a black boyfriend” like are you fucking KIDDING me? All because, everything they threw at me, I threw right back at them. I wasn’t loud and out of control, I just wasn’t going to let them stand there and talk to me like that. For NO reason. Because, it’s not just about me. It’s about all of the other poor souls out there that will have to face their shit someday. And they said they’d be waiting for me in the parking lot lol. Classic. So I walked out there, head held high and I was ready to get jumped. I was mentally prepared for it. But there was no way in hell I was going to hang my head low and hide from them. I walked out and they were standing there and I said, “So I guess yall are gonna jump me now, huh?” and I kept walking towards my car. Long story short, they didn’t but they did follow me to the bar. I got out, security rushed up, THEN they tried to act like they wanted to shake something lol…. all that time they had but now that grown men are holding them back and strippers are swarming trying to get a piece of them, now they want to do something. One of them slapped one of my friends so I charged her and threw a traffic cone at her head. Probably unnecessary but the moral of the story is…… they didn’t act because they didn’t know what to expect from me. They were probably used to people shying away….. and when I didn’t, they had no idea what I was capable at that point. Pride made them follow me to my job but, still. They didn’t succeed in what they set out to do. And maybe, just maybe, they will reconsider taunting a perfect stranger.

I do care about personal safety. I’m not one of those bold people that just throws caution to the wind and puts myself in sketchy situations. But i’m not going to go out like a coward. I have nothing to prove, I have no problem walking away from people, if need be. But if I am in a situation where I know someone is not going to let up, they’re not going to leave me alone, they’re going to harass me because they think they can get away with it, i’m not putting up with it. I have a right to be here on this planet and live my life in peace. I’m not going to let people trample on me and steal my peace, invade my space and try to control my emotions, control my life. It’s just not going to happen. And I wish I could just talk to these kids and explain this to them. To help them get their confidence up so they aren’t living their lives in fear, they aren’t constantly running away. That’s a sad way to live. It’s basically people stealing their freedom, robbing their right to life, their right to be who they are and live freely and openly without fear. That just really, really bothers me. I believe in our inalienable right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness….. and I know that, throughout life, that will come under attack, somehow, someway. Whether it’s the jerk that spread rumors about you around school. the kids who poke fun at you on your way home, your obnoxious co-worker, the dude in the bar, the bitches in the grocery store, the thugs, the police, the damn government…. we’re going to come under attack at some point….. and no war has EVER been won by waving a white flag and declaring defeat. No one has ever won a war by scampering off with their tails between their legs. We need to stop raising cowards and start raising kids who stand for shit. Who stand up for themselves and don’t back down, don’t fear adversity….. they don’t necessarily welcome it but if it’s standing in their face, punching them repeatedly, they need to know to hit back. That’s all i’m saying.

Yeah, all of that because this kid on his bike looked MISERABLE. Visibly miserable. And I felt terrible for him….. I hope he loses all of that weight and gets the hottest wife ever someday lol. I’m done.