I am going to move to the mountains. That is a life goal. That is high on my priority list. I have said it before and i’ll say it again: I’m not living in Florida forever. I need to be in the mountains. It’s funny, I was listening to Delilah last night when I got home. No, I never really listen to her lol but my MIL was taking care of the cats and she left the radio on here for them so they wouldn’t get too lonely. Adorbs, right? But for real, as soon as I walked into the house I had to cook the kids dinner. We didn’t really plan for that so I made pancakes and fried up some sausage lol. So while I was cooking, Delilah was on and she was talking about being where your heart feels full, being in a place that feels good to your soul. She had to live in big cities due to her career but finally got to the point where she could return to the country. She said she just feels at peace when she is outside among trees and flowers and fields of grass and AMEN, sister! AMEN! I feel at peace in the mountains. It feels right. It feels like I belong there. I could just climb to the top of a mountain and sit there….. for HOURS. Just thinking. Looking around. Watching clouds. Watching birds. Looking out at the range. Watching the leaves fall from the trees. Jumping stones over streams. That’s just the kind of shit I need to be doing in order to feel right lol.
I bet you thought I was going to tell you all about my trip lol. Wrong.
The whirlwind of things and things and things has begun. I keep forgetting to try and crack the algorithm lol. You know how stuff just happens in waves? There will be like a quiet period and then BOOM everything is chaos. Not even particularly bad or anything, though there is usually some bad mixed in there somewhere…. just stuff. Busyness. It happens in cycles or something. I’m in one right now.
We hiked up to Rainbow Falls. Literally lol. I love how our tax dollars go towards the maintenance and preservation of state parks and what not but I don’t like those signs in the state parks which tell me when I can and can’t visit, where I can and can’t go. We totally ignored the sign that said not to climb on the rocks lol. We climbed all the way to the top of Rainbow Falls and had lunch right there on the ledge. I mean it’s not like we were scaling a fucking wall or anything lol calm down park rangers. My element? My element. And I just cannot be in my element without talking to God. I talk to God frequently. By frequently I mean when i’m in my head, i’m often times having conversations with God. But when i’m in a place where my soul feels right, like the mountains, there’s just something extra special about my talks with God. They seem pivotal. Monumental. I just feel so much clarity, it’s amazing. So, while Kevin was taking pictures and Shannon was snacking and enjoying the scenery, I climbed a little higher and found a private spot to pray. Gratitude just poured out of me, I could feel so much gratitude it made me a little lightheaded. Just full of thankfulness. For everything. Everything.
I used to yell at my grandma when I was little. It wasn’t always as beautiful of a picture as I paint it. Going from chaos to order was a little too much for me at times. So i’d buck against her rules. And there were many times in which I told her I hated her. I even told her I hoped she’d die. Writing that makes me want to curl up into the fetal position on the floor right now. But it’s the truth. It happened. I used to blackmail my sister. I was so jealous of her. She always had good grades, she loved doing her homework, she was a really hard worker, very orderly, very obedient, very normal. Just your typical, all-around compliant child. Always got her way. Got all of the attention. And so, I didn’t always treat her well. Don’t get me wrong, we were the best of friends at times, this isn’t anything too far out of the ordinary. Typical sibling rivalry. But still. I treated her like shit a lot of the times. And when she started getting old enough to stand up for herself, i’d fight her. Literally slam her to the ground. It was fucked up. I had anger issues when I was a kid. I constantly felt misunderstood and mistreated. My rage was out of control. I was the one turning the house upside down. I was the one breaking every single rule there was. I was constantly pushing buttons and boundaries. I was just difficult. I even took advantage of my mom when she had an alcohol problem. I got sick of her shit, sick of her drinking all the time, sick of her being irresponsible, sick of her treating my dad like shit, sick of her spending all of our money, just sick of the whole thing. So, i’d get what I could out of her. I’d take some of the money she stashed away and there was nothing she could really do about it because she wasn’t supposed to have it in the first place. Yep. Yours truly really did that shit. I remember I found a stack in a picture frame when I was cleaning one day and I straight up told her I was taking some of it to order pizzas for me and my friends. Told her. Didn’t ask. Told her. When my parents would try to control me, i’d just leave. I’d leave and stay with friends for days at a time. I harbored a runaway under my bed. He was a couple years younger than me, told me his parents beat him. Told me he was scared to go home. So, I hid him under my bed for an entire fucking week. I’d sneak him food and stuff during the day and he’d come out at night when my parents were asleep. Fucking crazy. I did that. I kissed someone else’s boyfriend. He was a good friend of mine. He’d always come over and play video games with me and watch corny 80’s movies. I was 17. We had just gotten done watching some lame movie. I don’t know how we ended up in the bedroom, I think he followed me in there. We were just friends. I had a crush on him but could have sworn I never gave it away. I guess it was just one of those unspoken things. I glanced up and he was right in front of me. He said he wanted to kiss me. I didn’t even know what to say or think but before I could even respond, he was already kissing me. I didn’t start it but I didn’t exactly shove him off of me or anything. That’s probably one of the worst things i’ve ever done. I laughed at a handicapped kid at a nursing home once. I don’t know why I was there. I don’t remember how old I was. I have no clue about the details surrounding the incident. And it wasn’t intentional or anything, it was just that uncontrollable laughter. She was making all kinds of crazy sounds and going berserk on her caregiver and I just couldn’t hold it in. I tried so hard but i’m really fucked up in situations like that. The whole inappropriate laughter thing. Once it starts, it’s like an avalanche. It just gets worse and worse. I slapped the little girl across the street and blackmailed her, too. The fight with my ex’s roommate? I only did it because my friends egged it on. It was totally unnecessary. Totally. I called my computer teacher a fatass to her face once. I’ve said things so mean to people it’s made them cry. I went through a klepto stage at age 13. I even stole from a family member that year. So fucked up. I consistently stole my parents car. It got to the point where they were so tired of me stealing it, I just took it. It just became the norm. 15 years old, no license. Just taking their car like it’s nothing. I’ve taken advantage of good guys. I’d try to make myself look cool at their expense, knowing how they felt about me. I want to bang my head on the desk for some of the shit i’ve done. I’m no saint, that’s for sure.
I’ve been broken, over and over. I have dialed a number and left voicemail after voicemail after voicemail, crying and begging and pleading. I’ve walked in the middle of the night to deliver a letter. I’ve cried on the bathroom floor. I’ve been dumb. I took him back over and over and over and over getting played like a fucking joke while my friends would just look at me and shake their heads at my stupidity. Oh God, i’ve been dumb. I’ve posted up in my house weekend after weekend, blown off guy after guy, just to wait around for a phone call that never fucking came. I know what being broken looks like. In 2008, I went through some shit that was so foul, so fucked up, that I sat on my front porch staring at a water hose thinking, “I could perfectly wrap that shit around my neck a couple of times and rig it up to the top of the porch in like 2 minutes or less.”……. 7 months pregnant, I ran away and climbed on the roof. I’ve looked at myself in the mirror before and thought, “It isn’t humanly possibly to look any worse than you do right now.” and I’ve thought, “There is no way I can live like this anymore so that must mean that i’m probably going to die in some freak accident”…… and everyday was like waiting for the end. I’ve had panic attacks like you wouldn’t believe. I’ve been in the emergency room for said panic attacks more times than I would like to admit. Full on freak out, this-is-the-big-one-elizabeth, panic mode. And when they were over, i’d cry and pull at my hair and compulsively rub my face and analyze my life while people looked on in pity. I’ve been so fucking high that i’ve hallucinated. I’ve been so drunk that i’ve literally passed out. I have definitely smoked over two packs of cigarettes to myself in one day before. I’ve gone through periods of depression where I wouldn’t come out of my room for weeks other than to get food, shower, and use the restroom. Avoided phone calls. Wouldn’t answer the door for company. Cried at random for no particular reason. I know what brokenness looks like.
I’ve gone through weird phases. I’ve dyed my hair every color of the rainbow. My fashion selection has ranged from dressing like a dude to dressing like a total club whore. I’ve walked down the street in pj’s and big teddy bear slippers because I was constantly trying to “prove a point to society”. I’ve splurged on the most unnecessary shit imaginable. I’ve closed my eyes and hacked my hair off. I’ve written stab-your-eyes-out-with-a-number-two-pencil shitty poetry. I’ve gotten so deep into conspiracies before that I literally thought the government was tapping my phone. No, really. *My* phone. Selectively. I was 100% sure at one point in time that George W. Bush was the antichrist based solely on his piercing blue eyes lol. No clue how I came up with that one. I went to a meeting held by some supposed prophet and and was the biggest fucking nut job i’ve ever met in my life. Yes. I was sitting in a conference room at a random hotel listening to this guy bark on about his prophecies lololololololol. Whaaaaaaattttttt the fuuuuuuuucccckkkkkk. I can’t count how many times i’ve stayed up for 48 hours in an attempt to get my “sleep schedule” back on track lol. I used to get so distracted that I would literally forget to eat for the entire day. Like just straight up forget to eat. I have jumped out of a moving vehicle. I have smoked lipton tea and oregano out of a kazoo because I was that big of a moron. In college….. COLLEGE…… I got to school super early just so I could write “Mr. Eyeball” on my math teacher’s blackboard (which was a play on his actual name) and then proceeded to draw a giant eyeball. By myself. I did that by myself. I had no friends in any of my classes, I only hung out with the GED guys and shot pool. So I seriously did that in a class where I literally had no friends. Like, why. College. Why. I go through phases where I feel everything. Everything. And then….. out of nowhere….. it feels like I feel nothing. Nothing at all. Just blank. I’ve thrown liquor in a guy’s face. Straight vodka. I’ve thrown a tumbler at a guy’s head. I’ve slashed tires. I’ve egged and toilet papered houses. I’ve circled around a gas station parking lot like 30 times while blasting Vanilla Ice, just for the fuck of it. I’ve been involved in shopping cart races in parking lots and have been tipped over at full speed. I’ve jumped on hoods of cars. Moving cars. I’ve rolled down massive mounds of dirt at construction sites. I’ve slept at a park.
I’ve forgiven. I’ve forgiven people that didn’t deserve it. I’ve hugged my enemies when they were down. I’ve stood up for people who have hurt and betrayed me. I’ve literally fought for people. Threw down for people. I’ve been in on so many ex-boyfriend revenge plots it’s crazy. I’ve held people as they have cried into my chest. I’ve wiped the snot from their noses with my bare hands. I’ve hugged homeless people that smelled like garbage cans and i’ve literally given the shirt (in this case, jacket) off my back to a person in need. I’ve never refused to give a person money if they asked for it and I had it. I’ve talked people out of suicide. I’ve visited people in jail when they should have sat there and rotted for the shit they did. I’ve turned tears to laughter by the craziest means possible. I’ve held the hair of strangers as they’ve puked in nasty club restrooms. I’ve helped push cars for random people. I’ve given strangers rides before. I’m starting to feel weird talking about all of this but i’ve loved. I’ve truly loved people in a very real, raw way. I’ve been the ride or die for so many fucking people that i’d never even see again.
I’ve been loud and silent and everything in between. I’ve loved, laughed, cried, screamed, sung, danced, lived….. all of it. I’ve made the dumbest fucking mistakes. I’ve intentionally done shitty things. I’ve had brilliant breakthroughs. I’ve been at the highest highs and the lowest lows. I’ve said it, seen it, heard it, thought it, wrote it…… and i’m still going and I am so thankful. I’m so thankful that I have been given the gift of life and that I am me and I can call my own shots, I can experience this beautiful life in a way that is very unique to me. And I know I am always going to encounter those people who try to judge it, critique it, ridicule it, suggest changes and improvements and all of the above but at the end of the day, this is my life and I am grateful for every single flawed, imperfect fucking detail of it. I’ve dealt with some shit lately but i’ve also had some really awesome news. Things are going south in some areas while other areas are reaching new heights of fucking awesome. That’s life. Up and down, high and low, all the time. That’s how it goes. And I fucking love every minute of it.
Thank you for listening to my melodrama.