Good morning random

I don’t even know where to begin with this because it’s something that I’m pretty passionate about, I could speak on it for days and still feel like I haven’t said enough.

Okay, so I guess I should just start somewhere.

We live in a very vain world. It’s nothing new, really. People think this is a new concept since we now have to technology to really alter a person’s appearance. Want bigger boobs and lips? You can buy that. Want to lose weight without having to work for it? You can pay for that, too. The options are endless. But when you read up on history, you’ll see that people, mostly women, have been all about appearance since the beginning of time, really. The women of ancient Egypt were known for their beauty concoctions and rituals. So, it’s nothing new.

There are all kinds of studies done on the advantages of being beautiful. Beautiful people tend to get paid more, for one. Beautiful people are more persuasive so things tend to work in their favor. But this isn’t a superpower, this is all about the way people perceive these attractive people. Really, put a gorgeous blonde on a deserted island and tell her to use her looks to figure out a way to escape the island lol. Not happening. We give beautiful people their power by how we treat them, how we respond to them. I saw a lot of this when I was in school. The super pretty girls always had the most friends, all of the guys wanted them, they generally made good grades, they were involved in a lot of activities, they were favored. It was evident. I’m not bashing beautiful people at all. I have four absolutely gorgeous kids lol and i’m not just saying that because i’m biased. They’re lookers, for sure. But people who are beautiful tend to get treated better and so their lives are set up to run a little smoother.

This is not the case with everyone, I am not trying to lump everyone together and make harsh generalizations. It’s also a lot to do with confidence. No matter how attractive you are, if you lack self-esteem and confidence, you might as well be unattractive. But, usually, beautiful people have excellent self-esteem and confidence because they haven’t encountered as many things that would be damaging to those qualities. They’ve usually lead a life which fosters a healthy sense of self. I’m grateful to have been able to play on both sides of the field. I didn’t have a life where I got ahead by looks. I had to grind lol. I had to rely on actual skill. I’m not saying that attractive people lack skill, not at all. But when you’re not so attractive, you don’t have that extra edge. People aren’t as forgiving. You really have to pay your dues. I’d prefer it that way, really. I would hate to think I only obtained something because people thought I was nice to look at. That would be like the ultimate blow to my ego. But really, I have seen the difference in how people treat me now, as opposed to how people treated me when I was a train wreck. It’s different. I do think a lot of that has to do with my attitude, though. I smile a lot now, which makes me appear happier. People like to be around happy people. People who look sad and angry all the time don’t really have such great interactions with others.

I’m not saying appearance isn’t important. It is. But it is not as important as what is on the inside. At all. Think about gifts. I’m a sucker for cute packaging. It’s bad lol. Sure, on Christmas, I don’t feel like wrapping gifts for four kids in the cutest paper and bows. But if i’m giving a gift to someone, I typically like to make sure it’s packaged nicely. But when you receive a gift, how much time do you really spend admiring the wrap job? Honestly. And are you going to just set it up on the shelf, unwrapped? Sure you might feel a little bad ripping the paper to shreds after someone invested so much time into making it look special. You might gently peel back the paper, fold it, and set it aside. But you’re going to open it. You care more about what’s on the inside.

When you buy a car, do you just admire the way it looks without seeing how it runs? Do you just walk onto a lot and think, “Yes, I like that one. It’s a beautiful car. Where do I sign my name?”.

And what about Jesus? Don’t you think there is a reason that His appearance isn’t really mentioned?

“He grew up before him like a tender shoot, and like a root out of dry ground. He had no beauty or majesty to attract us to him, nothing in his appearance that we should desire him.” Isaiah 53:2

Nothing about his appearance or his possessions were alluring. There is no MTV Cribs: Nazareth Edition. Show me the verse that talks about his glowing tan skin, silky, sandy brown hair and piercing blue eyes.

The only things mentioned about Jesus in the Bible were the things that actually matter. His appearance was so unimportant, it isn’t even really mentioned. That should speak volumes.

But what have we done? lol. We couldn’t handle that. So we started painting this super attractive Jesus and hanging him in homes and hospitals across Europe and North America lol. Because, it’s important to people. Still. Even when all of the evidence tells us that it shouldn’t be.

Do we see God? Do we speak of God the way we speak of people? Think about when men are attracted to women. What do they typically say about her? She had long, beautiful, flowing hair. Stunning blue eyes. A beautiful, glowing face. Slender frame, big breasts, long legs, nice curves. Okay, maybe not, maybe they just say she’s smoking hot lol. But how often do they put her personality and accomplishments before her appearance? It isn’t very often. “Dude, I just got this chick’s number and she’s the smartest girl i’ve ever met. She’s got great taste in music, she’s funny, she’s talented, she’s kind, she’s…….” “okay, but what does she look like?” lol……. no. It’s usually, “Dude, I just got this chick’s number and she’s smokin’ hot.” Why do we do this? Why do these things matter so much?

The older I get, the more I see that appearance is so deceptive. It’s not a good indicator of what a person is actually like. The older I get, the less barriers I have between myself and other people. I see no reason as to why I couldn’t become great friends with someone 20 years older than me. Like, none. The older I get, the more I see people for who they are. Stripped away of their looks and the things that they have acquired in life. Just raw and real, down to the bones. No barriers. Just people. I see past all of the superficiality. I don’t see just the wrapping paper. I could put a pile of dog shit in a box and wrap it up nicely. Doesn’t matter how pretty the package is if there’s dog shit inside. I’ve never been very superficial but, even still, I feel like i’ve slowly taken off the blinders. It feels nice to be able to look at a person and see beyond the surface. To feel like a scruffy homeless guy is just as important as the guy in the suit with the briefcase. To see that the old lady in the disheveled clothing and messy hair is every bit as interesting and elegant as the young 20 something with the perfect figure and perfect hair. We tend to have our own classification system that we group people into, subconsciously. But as you begin to see people for who they really are, not just what they look like, how old they are, what their social status is, economic status, etc…… you start to see similarities between people that you didn’t see before. The classification gets a lot less complicated. You can see the commonalities between a doctor and a quiet, studious teenager. You can see a senior citizen which reminds you of a kid you know. Unlikely people become linked together. You focus less on the differences and more on the things people have in common. It’s nice.

I want my kids to care about their appearance, I don’t want them walking around looking like hell. But I don’t want them to become superficial and put more weight into appearance than they do into the things which really matter, like character, principles, virtue. Those things are timeless. They don’t age. I really focus on this subject with the kids, a LOT. Because I never want them to make the mistake of missing out on great people just because of their appearance. Missing out on good friends and partners because of how they look. I don’t want my daughters to end up with guys who won’t unwrap them. Guys who only see the pretty packaging and foolishly put them up on a shelf. Like a useless trophy. Something nice too look at but not very practical to use. I don’t want my boys to go chasing after the beautiful girls and end up with shitty life partners. I drill this into them. You can’t leave it up to the world to teach them. The world will deceive them. The world will tell my boys to get a trophy wife. The world will tell my girls that their appearance is all that really matters. I don’t want them waking up when they’re 30 and 40. I want their eyes to be wide open to the people around them, to see them for who they really are inside. I want them to have a full life and they can’t experience a full life when they are constantly distracted by things that aren’t that important.

You Don’t Own Me

My Dad couldn’t stay to finish the bathroom. The whole time he was here, he was working on the roof. That’s finally taken care of but now we literally have no ceiling and the floor has a hole in it to where you can see the ground LOL. So that’s all gotta be ripped up, walls gotta get ripped out….. we have to put down the sub-floor, install the tile, put the dry wall in, ceiling (lol?) and we have a new toilet and sink to put in. Paint. All of that magnificent stuff. It’s going to be awesome. Sorry you can’t sense my lack of enthusiasm through the screen. I painted the dining room today and tomorrow i’m going to paint the living room. We have until Sunday to get all of our stuff out of storage. Omg. Like, why is there always some sort of crisis going on? All the time. Alllllllll the time. My car is in the shop, too. So…… I have no vehicle. We can’t all fit in Kevin’s car. It sucks. And if my warranty doesn’t cover what needs to be done, it’s probably going to end up being over two grand to get that fixed. Why. Why. Why. If we have to dump that kind of money into my car, Gatlinburg isn’t happening. Hell, Christmas isn’t happening lol. Dinner isn’t happening, either. Toilet paper, tooth paste, you know, the essentials. Butter lol. Eggs. Nothing. None of it. None of it is happening. We love this stuff.

I’m stubborn. I’m not stubborn to the point I am stupid. There’s a difference there, I think. Or maybe i’m still just being stubborn. Like, i’m open to new ideas and i’m totally open to the possibility that I am wrong. I don’t always have to be right, in fact, I know I can’t always be right so if I never find out i’m wrong about something, if I always assume i’m right, then i’m just stupid, basically lol. So i’d prefer to get it out of the way. I like to know when i’m doing something wrong. That’s not how i’m stubborn. I’m stubborn in that, no one is going to tell me what to do. No one is going to say “you’re going to do this”. That would be a cold day in hell. I’m grown. I have obligations and responsibilities, no doubt. But let’s play devil’s advocate, here. If I wanted to, I could leave everything. I could abandon my kids, leave my husband, start a new tribe in Africa or something. Of COURSE I would never, ever do that. Ever. I have no desire to do that. But the point I am trying to make, here, is that, in theory, I can do what I want. I can say what I want. There will always be consequences to what I say and do that will surely affect me and most likely affect other people, but they are my choices to make. And i’m not stupid, I wouldn’t abuse my right to my own autonomy and infringe on other people. I feel like I have pretty sound judgement and logic. But oh no, no, no. I refuse to be told what to do, I refuse to be silenced, I refuse to be taken advantage of, I refuse to be made  a fool of.

Vayda has a friend in school. The little girl wanted to borrow her pencil, but Vayda was using it. She wouldn’t take no for an answer so she grabbed Vayda’s arm and squeezed it pretty hard. Of course she probably tried to play it off like it was a joke or something, you know how it goes. But Vayda didn’t realize how it was wrong. Totally wrong. She doesn’t like being mean to people. In her own words, “Mom, I always like being polite, I don’t like being rude or mean.” and I get that. And I respect that. But I told her like it is. I told her she better never, ever let someone put their hands on her like that again. Ever. Under any circumstances. She can say it nicely, she can say, “Please don’t do that.” if that’s all she can do. I know how awkward it is. And she even felt uncomfortable with saying that much. So we had to talk about boundaries tonight. We had to talk about setting our own personal boundaries. That girl crossed the line when she squeezed her arm. I told her that once a boundary has been crossed, it’s more about trying to make the point clear than it is about being polite. Of course you would want to say it in a non-combative way, you don’t want to make a mountain out of a molehill. But if someone has violated you and crossed your boundaries, you need to make it clear to them. Otherwise, what’s next? Is she just gonna start taking things from Vayda? Pushing her out of the way? What other boundaries is she going to cross?

I’m very much like Vayda. I have always been super sweet, easy going, always want to keep the peace. I was never scared of confrontation, I just never liked it. I like peace. I hate conflict. But over the years, I learned that you absolutely have to speak up for yourself and it’s nothing to feel bad about. You have to protect yourself. Everyone is different. Some people might be okay with certain things while it may be a deal breaker to other people. Like, my mother-in-law can sometimes do things a little differently with the kids and I have to speak up and say, “Nah, we can’t do it like this” and she has to respect that. You know? Even Kevin. Kevin can sometimes do something that makes me uncomfortable and I have to say, “No, i’m not okay with that”. I can be mellow, I can be chill. In fact, I usually am. But I will never let someone feel like they have the upper hand on me. They’re not going to make me feel like I can’t say what I need to say or do what I need to do. Especially with the kids, my God. When you have kids, you almost constantly have to state your position with people and let them know what isn’t going to fly. Stuff happening in the school, at the doctor’s office. People can be manipulative when they want things to go their way. They can smooth talk you and sweet talk you into keeping your mouth shut and going with the flow. They can’t pull that with me.

It seems like it’s a constant battle at asserting your own independence. People want you to go with their flow. Especially flocks. Flocks can’t stand the odd one out. People can lowkey bully you into submission. I sometimes feel like it gets worse when you’re an adult because you have a lot more expectations from people. People expect you to be this way, say this, do this, have this, buy this, etc. I don’t like ladders lol. They scare the crap out of me. They’re unstable and i’ve got a serious fear of heights. I always get up on my roof the same way and it doesn’t involve a ladder. My Dad and sister tried to convince me that I HAD to take the ladder, it was the only safe way. As soon as they were down, I bolted across the roof and got down the way I felt comfortable with. “That’s not safe, Kristi.” is what my sister said. Of course lol. But the thing is, I know what’s up and I don’t need people to tell me what to do and how to do it. I’ve been getting up and down that roof the same way since I was a teenager. I have been getting on roofs since I was a small child. I have never, ever fallen off of a roof. Period. A fool would ignore the counsel of others, completely. I’m no fool. I listen to advice, I always consider it, I always weigh it out. I know there are many, many people out there in this world who are way smarter than I am, way more experienced than I am. I’m not saying I don’t listen to people. But I am saying that I have a mind, too. I can produce thoughts. I can solve problems. I can resolve conflict. I can figure things out. I can survive things. I can handle things. I’m good. Like I really think i’ll make it.

Out of all of the peeves that I have, and there are MANY, the one thing that irks me like nothing else is when someone thinks they can control me, whether it’s through manipulation, guilt, mockery, bullying, coercion, it doesn’t matter what method they utilize. I can’t stand when someone thinks they can pull my strings. I’m bold but it doesn’t mean I have no reservations. It doesn’t mean that I don’t have doubt. It doesn’t mean that I have no timidity. But I always approach things by weighing out the pros and cons. And if my heart has to race and my palms have to sweat, if I have to get lightheaded, so be it. I’ll still stand up for myself. I’ll still put my foot down. I haven’t figured out a whole lot in life, there aren’t very many things I can say i’ve mastered. But if I have mastered anything, that’s it. I won’t shy away and run off with my tail between my legs. If I have to close my eyes to state my position, that’s that. It’s happening.

Vayda said, “I don’t like being mean.” so I asked her, “Did you like having your arm squeezed like that?” her response: no. Okay, then. Speak up.

Judea’s wedding (dream)

I had a dream that Judea was getting married to some blonde headed girl. She was a little chubby, not a lot or anything but just plump enough to make her adorable as heck. Her head was kinda big lol. Her hair was medium blonde, straight, kind of thin, and a little past her shoulders. She was about my sister’s height. She was very, very sweet. Really soft spoken but so good to Judea. She knew him well, understood him and in the dream, the two of them had been friends for a long time. So, it was the day of their wedding and Judea looked like he does now, just taller than me. Like, way taller than me lol. And everything was fine but he ended up freaking out. He panicked about getting married and started screaming and crying and he yelled at her. It hurt her feelings pretty bad and she ran off crying. I sat and tried to talk Judea through it, tried to get him to calm down and tell him what he was doing and what not, just giving him advice…. and this is going to sound crappy but it’s a dream and dreams tend to blow things out of proportion. Kevin was the photographer for the wedding so he was running around taking pictures of everyone and I got really upset because he’s walking around taking pics, promoting his photography business and i’m giving Judea life talks about important stuff. After I got Judea to calm down, I caught up with Kevin and said, “The pictures aren’t really necessary if our son doesn’t get married, you need to go find him and talk to him.” and I stormed off to go look for the girl. I caught up with her in a tree house that all of the bridesmaid’s were getting ready in. Yes, a tree house. But it was legit, it was an actual room, pretty big, just in a tree. But, I don’t know how this works…… there was a slope on the back side of the room which led down to the ground. It was like dirt and sand. I stepped on it and lost my footing and me and a couple of bridesmaids ended up sliding down the hill. But we decided it was awesome so we climbed back up, I tossed my phone down to one of the girls below and told her to get a picture of us sliding down again LMAO like, is that the kind of stuff I would do at my son’s wedding? Probably. It probably is lol. After that, everything changed and I was in a large field at night and everyone was suiting up for a game of war. It was so awesome, there were props everywhere, crates and barrels stacked up, nets to climb, ziplines, it was pretty sweet lol. Everyone was broken off into teams of four and it was a capture the flag kind of deal. Unfortunately, I didn’t get to enjoy that. I woke up to Nova’s heel coming down on my nose, i’m surprised I didn’t have a nosebleed. It was pretty hardcore. So Kevin woke up and immediately told me about his dream (he literally NEVER dreams) and in his dream, him and a group of people were sliding down a sand dune. How crazy is that?????? Like, seriously, what are the odds??

Allow me to ruin your night lol

I’ve been having weird dreams lately lol. I can’t even say that and take myself seriously like they’re all weird. I just started feeling crazy. I thought about how poor my grammar usually is in my blog and I had a quick conversation with myself. I don’t really talk to myself out loud (sometimes…. maybe….) but I do talk to myself inside of my head very frequently and I answer myself. I don’t know if i’ve ever shared one of my conversations I have with myself so I thought now is the perfect time to do it:

Me: This must look really bad.

Me: Well, who cares, honestly? It’s my blog.

Me: You can’t correct the grammar of other people when you have poor grammar.

Me: But I know the difference. I know my grammar is bad on here, that’s the thing. I like to write how I speak. This is how I speak.

Me: Probably looks like you’re uneducated.

Me: I’m not giving a speech at Harvard, it’s not that serious.

Me: I hope people know I am aware of my poor grammar.

So, yeah. Crazy dreams that i’m having a hard time remembering. I wake up stressed out because I can only see flashes of scenes from the dreams but I can’t make out what’s going on or who is involved. All I know is that there’s been lots of people involved and it’s been madness. Like, running around, one thing to another, crazy stuff. That’s all I know. But I do know that in my dream this morning, this song was playing and I haven’t heard it in years. Now it’s stuck in my head:

So, I got my teeth lol. That still just sounds so crazy to me. Whatevs. I got them. And that appointment was seriously hilarious lol. Let’s just say it involved one of the dudes running to Publix to get some fruit and me taking pics, biting into said fruit lol. So far out of my comfort zone but I need to get used to awkward situations because I fear things are going to continue to get awk from here on out lmao.

I’m going to Buffalo in October and i’m so excited. I get to meet the team of people (excited about meeting Grace, she’s the one I initially spoke to back in 2011) and they’re going to give me a company tour. We’re going to do a photo/video shoot, talk about future activities and go out to eat, pretty much. And while we’re there, Kevin and I get to hit up Niagara Falls and possibly Toronto, if we have time.

I recorded my update video about my teeth……on my iphone….. vertically….. then decided I can’t get down like that lol. So I have to drive all the way out to my brother’s house and borrow his webcam I mean wtf. Why is it 2015 and I still don’t have a system down. This is crazy. So i’ll be recording that video in the next few days and I can’t WAIT. People couldn’t understand how I could get anything better than what I had. They have no idea lol. I’m excited about making that video. Honestly, I have at least 10 videos that NEED to be made. I need to just do it all in a couple of days and then space it out, like post one a week. I am so sporadic at posting videos and I don’t mean to be but I don’t exactly have my shit together. But i’m working on it.

My Dad is here and he is renovating our master bathroom. I’m saying, it’s gutted. No walls. No floor. No ceiling. We had a leak, this house was built in the 30’s so what else is new….. So I was up on the roof with him today spreading tar and what not lmao. Talk about RANDOM. And I thought he had a legit system. I mean, I know my dad, he’s as ratchet as the rest of us lol. But he went to the store to get me some dinner the other day and he came home with organic bananas and I was thinking “Dad, wtf?”….. and one of our favorite family meals is kielbasa, cabbage and potatoes….. but homie comes back with actual kielbasa lol like it’s fresh and i’m like wait a minute here, we don’t do this. He knows we get the cheap stuff, what’s going on. So I put two and two together and thought, “Okay, this must be how they’re doing it up in Fayetteville. He must be normal now.” and so I thought that he was doing a legit job up there on the roof. My brother and husband were up there helping him last night but shit didn’t pan out too well. So I got up there with him today and i’m like holy hell, what have we got going on here lmao. It looks like there’s a freaking landing strip up there LOL! I don’t know where he got these materials from but I think this is almost as hood as it gets hahahahaha. I told him we should go in business “father and daughter ratchet roofing solutions” lolololol. He’s sitting there pointing at the roofing nails, “Orange, no. Black, go.” because we had to make sure we covered the nails with tar and i’m just saying, the whole situation was hilarious. I don’t know what my brother and husband did up there last night but it looked like they were just playing in the tar lol like making sculptures or something, shit made no sense, whatsoever. Did we fix it? Hell no lol. I can hear it dripping right now. So. We’re going to have to get back up there tomorrow and probably rip the whole thing up and start over. In the rain? In the rain. That’s how we Lee’s get down. If it can be rigged, we are definitely rigging it. Because having a new roof installed is for wimps.

They came to church with us this morning and it’s like a ritual to cry at some point during the service due to a “what is life” meltdown. I just think about how much things have changed and how I would give anything just to sit with my parents in church. I think back to when I was a teenager and did EVERYTHING I COULD to get out of going to church. Ahhhh, you gotta love regrets. Because now, I can’t think of anything i’d love more. Just to get up and meet my parents at church and come home to have Sunday dinner with them. It’s crazy. So I sit there and cry, excuse myself to the restroom before I cause a scene, then come back and i’m totally fine. I move on just like that. And i’m finding myself doing that more and more. I’ll have a quick meltdown but then I pull myself together because all I can think is, “What are you going to do about it? Nothing.” and I just can’t argue with that logic. If I can’t do anything about it, what’s the sense in dwelling? Just move on. I just keep moving on. Because it makes me thing about life……. and I think about how we don’t have forever. That’s all I can think about when I find myself dragging my feet. The sand is running out. People live like they’ve got forever. We don’t. And it’s crazy to even think about it. Do you see how real this is? Right now. Think about how real right now is. All of you. All of your thoughts. All of your memories. Your ideas. Your opinions. Your identity. Your appearance. Your current life situation. It’s all running. It’s ticking…..tick, tick, tick, tick….. and we just get so wrapped up in the realness of life that we tend to forget, the clock is ticking down. There’s no winding the hands back. There is no pause. And there is absolutely nothing you can do about it. How crazy?! The clock is counting down for the richest man on earth, as well as the poorest. For the smartest, the bravest, the most cowardly soul, for black, for white, for babies, for adults, like….. it doesn’t matter who you are, where you are, what you are….. it’s counting down for ALL of us. That’s one of those morbid things I don’t even like to think about, let alone actually put into words. But it’s the truth. No matter how good your life is, no matter how bad your life is, it’s going to come to an end. And so, I guess my philosophy is that…… you just have to keep moving. You just have to keep going. You have to deal with it the best you can.

I’m full of emotion, i’m sentimental as fuck. I can break down in .2 seconds. But I keep going. That’s the thing. I don’t think i’ve got a grip on things anymore than anyone else does. And I never will. I’m never going to have things figured out. I’m never going to understand why things happen the way they do. It does feel like life is this journey and that you’re going to discover something great, someday. Like, this is all leading up to something amazing and you’re going to reach that “aha” moment in life where you’re like, “Aha! I finally made it! I figured it out”. But the reality is, you’re not lol. None of us are. We’re not going to get to that point of satisfaction where we’re like “okay, I beat the game, now I get to kick back and chill. Enjoy the fruits of my labor. All levels: completed. Chill mode.” But people fool themselves into believing that lie. We work and work and work, take this route, backtrack, go another way, find shortcuts, we’re just going and going, thinking we’re building up to this pivotal moment where everything makes sense….. but it’s a lie. We’re not. We won’t. It’s not there. Not here, anyway. And so, I just try to remind myself of that. Because, life gets frustrating….. just like when you’re playing video games and you can’t seem to level up….. and you tell yourself, “If I do this, i’m going to level up. I’m going to get there. I’m going to beat this.” But life isn’t a video game and you never will. I just assume it’s best to accept that now. Get it out of the way, you know? There’s always going to be something. Some river to cross, some mountain to climb, some problem to solve. Something. Always something. And it will never stop. Ever. So why even let it bother you? I mean, yeah. React. But move on.

I guess I just know how it feels when you’re lost and feeling hopeless….. like when something comes out of nowhere and knocks the wind out of you….. and you just want to stay down, you want to just lay there to catch your breath. And maybe i’m afraid that if I don’t accept that these times will come, if I don’t anticipate it, it will blindside me again and I just don’t ever want to feel like that again. Maybe i’m just scared to get knocked down again. So I occupy myself, I keep going, keep moving, brush things off. It’s not that i’m emotionless, i’m just scared to ever let my emotions control me again. I’m scared to let something as fragile as emotions steer my ship because, typically, they lead me straight in the path of an iceberg. I allow myself to feel but I don’t allow my feelings to control my actions. It’s kind of a messed up game to be caught in….. to be as disastrously emotional as I am yet I let logic establish my footing. Kind of like allowing your child to have their meltdown for a minute but then telling them, “Okay, time’s up. Time to knock it off and move on.” It looks so unstable lol. I’ll have mascara running down my face but then i’ll turn on some music and get up and move around like nothing ever happened. And it really, truly feels like i’m okay. Because i’ve accepted that this is life, it’s not going to always work in my favor and I just have to deal with it.

And what would life look like if everything really did go my way?

It would look like a shitty made-for-tv movie with D list actors and actresses. Terrible set props and lighting, crappy plot, shitty ending. Like, it would suck, if you really think about it. I personally enjoy screaming at the television, “O. M. G. What idiot gave birth to you? You should have ran the other way, you moron!! Now look what you did. You got your girlfriend butchered. Good job, genius.” Because, if everything went my way, his girlfriend would be safe, they’d have a family and the horror movie I was dying to see would turn into, “Honey, are we out of toilet paper?” and random shots of a dude laid out on his bed, picking his nose and farting….. like, the duration of the movie. That’s what would happen. Because they’re safe.

That made literally no sense at all. None. I know where I was going with it, though.

Life’s crap but it’s awesome. So awesome.

K so, this has been awkward. I guess i’ll stop, now.

Noon ramblings….

Need to get the random out of my system because I might not have time to blog after today.

Random music for random post:

My phone is an asshole. I like to ride out until I hit 1% battery life, then i’ll plug it in, That little shit just cut off at 4%. What even.

Also, I like snacking on brussels sprouts (yes, there’s an S on there, like what?) but I still can’t lose weight……

11392978

I woke up this morning with an intense craving for playing laser tag at night in the woods. No, it would be entirely too much for me to wake up with the intense desire to do something productive. But, yeah. That would be so awesome. Like have a large group of people and partner up, hit up the woods and play laser tag.

WHY ARE WE NOT DOING THIS????????????

Btw:

97a2ef40a23743b2aacced49a6ae8c9e

My sister was at Zaxby’s ordering her food. I had no idea she had me on her car speakers until after everything went down lol. She was ordering her food and I said, “Kickin’ Chicken Sandwich? God, fatass” LMAAAAAAAO. So she was trying to talk normal to me so as not to provoke my inappropriateness….. but as she was about to pull away from the window, I guess she was letting some guy cross in front of her car and she did that whole, “No, it’s okay. Yeah, no, go ahead. eh heh heh” and I said, “Um, awkward? That sounds like a whole lot of awkward going on” and then she tells me that her window was down and he totally heard the whole thing lol I was dying. Like, you know me. You know you can’t put me on speakerphone. I am not responsible for things I say when you don’t warn me that I am on speakerphone lol.

Now it’s time to get really, really somber. I seriously cried over that reporter and cameraman that were gunned down. That is absolutely horrific. My mind just goes awol in those situations. All I could think was, this young, pretty, successful woman woke up this morning, like any other morning, and went to work. That’s all she did. Didn’t do anything wrong, just went to work. She got dressed this morning, did her hair and makeup, it was just another day. Same with the photographer, he just went to work. These people had family, they had people who loved them. And now they’re gone and it just makes me so sick, I can’t handle it. Never knew today was their last day on earth. And everything happened so quickly. In a moment, in a matter of a minute or two, they were gone. Probably had all kinds of plans and dreams that will never come to fruition, things they had to say to other people, business to finish, and just like that, their lives are over. It really just demonstrates how fragile and uncertain life can be. How everyday should be cherished because you never know when it will be your last. This is happening to people allover the world. Lives are being lost or completely changed forever literally every second that ticks by. And it marks time for people. Like, thinking about their family members that they left behind. This ordinary day will change them forever and it just breaks my heart, honestly.

I’m too soft. I can’t handle stuff like this, it just gets to me. It gets in my head. It’s scary to think of all of the choices we have in life. All of these choices that are only ours to make. And that man chose wrong. He chose to take these innocent peoples’ lives and he just chose wrong. And maybe we don’t do it to that extreme but all of us make poor choices. All of us do. And the first step to becoming better is to realize that everything you do is a choice that YOU make. No one makes it for you. I just had this talk with Judea the other day. He is going through a tough time where he is really sensitive and defensive. Some kids in his class were laughing about something and he took it the wrong way and lashed out at one of them. Called him all kinds of hateful things. And I had to talk to him, as I always do, about choices. My kids are still in the process of learning about the consequences to their actions and that everything they do is a choice. Vayda like’s to hit her siblings when she get’s mad at them. When I confront her and ask her why she did it, she always said, “They made me do it, they were xyz”…… and I go over and over and over again about how NO ONE made you do ANYTHING. No one made those words come out of Judea’s mouth. No one made Vayda hit her siblings. No one made that gunman shoot those people. These are OUR choices. I always hear people say, “Well, you made me this way.” or “I didn’t have any other choice.” but that’s a damn lie. You ALWAYS have a choice. You may not like the choices you have but, you have them, nonetheless. I can’t blame anyone for my actions. I can’t blame anyone for the way I feel, whether it’s love or hate. I have a choice in everything I do and I have a choice in everything I say. I am responsible for my feelings and my actions and the words that come out of my mouth.

I can’t stand it when people blame others for their problems. I can’t STAND it. I can’t stand it when people take the coward’s route and pass the blame onto someone else. It’s always someone else’s fault that you’re so mean and bitter. It’s someone else’s fault that you don’t succeed. It’s someone else’s fault that you make poor choices in life. And that’s exactly why stuff like this happens. It happens because, someone finds it much easier to blame other people for why they aren’t happy in life, why they were wronged, why they don’t have the things they want. For some people, it’s easier to kill a person than it is to have to come face to face with your own demons. It’s easier to make other people suffer as a way to try and alleviate your own suffering. Where is the logic in that? I’m hurting so i’m going to make someone else hurt. In that moment, it may feel good to know that you’re not alone, someone else now feels what you feel…… but it didn’t solve anything, did it? It didn’t take your pain away. Hurting other people is never going to heal you. Ever. Even if it’s on a smaller scale like getting an attitude with someone or saying something harsh to them. It’s not going to make you feel better, you’re still going to feel like shit.

I may sometimes seem complicated but I live for uncomplicated shit. I like to reduce the amount of steps I need to take, if it’s at all possible. So i’m not going to go through all of the process of seeking revenge on people or trying to make them hurt like I do…….because I know at the end of the day, i’ll still have that weight on my shoulders with the added guilt of hurting another person. So why not just eliminate the middle man? Why not start off by accepting responsibility for your actions, accepting responsibility for the way you feel and tackling it head on? If I feel hate, it comes from me. No one put it there. It was generated inside of my mind and my heart. Someone else just made me aware of it’s presence. So if I know it came from within, why am I going to try to fix it externally?? It just doesn’t make any sense. I am in control of my life. You are in control of yours. You just have the illusion that other people are controlling you. You have the illusion that other people simply push a button and “make” you do things. “Make” you feel things. “Make” you say things. It’s a damn lie. If we all focused on fixing ourselves instead of blaming everyone else or waiting for someone else to fix us, the world would be a LOT more pleasant than it currently is.

Well, I could babble about this for days but my heart truly hurts for these people who lost their lives this morning and the families they left behind. Just so senseless……

Dad will be here Thursday!

Music changes all kinds of shit lol. Changes moods, changes people, changes situations…. changes EVERYTHING. Calm down. I’m just talking about music, here. I can’t even believe it’s 2015. 2015 doesn’t seem like a big deal until you consider that 2008 was 7 freaking years ago…… My brain just has a hard time processing that. Music just gives this sense of continuity. Like, you have your favorite songs. Songs that never really get old for you, you play them frequently. So it’s not like these songs are lost and then rediscovered in the distant future, causing you to go all “Oh wow! That brings back SO many memories!”…. because when you listen to your favorite songs, they’re just always there. They go through MANY memories. So it just feels weird when you’re like “omg this song came out like a decade ago….”. Leaves me a little shell shocked, honestly.

But seriously, music. I can’t get tired of it, it’s just one of those things that will always be entertaining to me. It isn’t just something to listen to, something playing in the background. I will legit sit there and listen to music for hours. Not doing anything else, just listening to song after song after song. This wasn’t supposed to be about music but i’ve been on it pretty hardcore lately, having a new music phase like every day and even every few hours lol. Out. Of. Control.

okay, it’s over. I never know when to stop lol.

So, big things poppin’. I just hit 10k subscribers on YouTube, which is a big deal to me. Like, huge. Insane. Because there was once a time in my life where the people I loved the most had no idea what I was going through….. It’s just crazy that I have shared something so incredibly personal with so many people and had such an amazing response. It’s hard to believe any of this even happened.

Sometimes, I watch my videos and it’s hard to believe that I can actually make videos. It’s hard to believe that’s me on a camera, talking. Just talking.

There isn’t any way I could ever make people understand what sort of psychological damage I endured for so long. Unless people experienced it, they’ll never understand it. And even then, it’s still so personal to each person. The thing that blows me away is when I see myself on camera, I think back on the time I used to spend in the mirror. I’d post up in the mirror and try to picture what I would look like with a normal smile and it was just so far from my reality I might as well be dreaming of hitting the lottery or something. That’s how it felt. So it’s still just insane how normal I look now. It’s crazy to me. I don’t think people understand that. They see me now. That’s all people really see, they see who I am right now, what I look like right now. They don’t know what i’ve been through. They have no idea. I could talk for days about what life looked like for me and no one will ever fully get it. I think that’s why some people have been a little bitchy about me changing out my bridges, they think it’s me being vain or something. Because all they really see is some pretty lady up on youtube with an attractive smile. That’s all those people see. They weren’t there when I was freaking out having a panic attack because I thought my teeth would kill me. They weren’t there when I cried and blamed my appearance for every guy who ever treated me like shit, every time I got ditched or overlooked, even for why I ended up being a single mother. They don’t see that part. They don’t see me standing on the sidelines watching my friends live life and have fun. They don’t see all of the things I missed out on in life. Seriously, the better part of my younger days was spent hiding and all I can think about is all of the wasted time. All of the time I wasted. Sleeping my days away, partying and getting smashed all night, trying to find something to numb the fucking pain I endured every day of my life. People don’t see that. They don’t see my eyes swollen, lips all puffy from crying all night, either from pain or shame, one or the other. So I don’t feel bad at all for accepting an upgrade. I think i’ve paid my dues, honestly. I never thought I would smile again. I never thought I would live. I never thought I would be where I am right now and it’s still so insane it feels like a dream sometimes.

So there is a huge surprise coming up and I feel like I am going to explode lol….. but I can’t, gotta keep it on the low low.

Another thing. My DAAAAAAADDDDDDDDDD will be here Thursday!!!!!!! GAAAAAHHHHHHHH! I’m so excited I can’t WAIT! Even thinking about how much I miss him makes me want to cry. I don’t understand how peeps move away from their parents lol. I don’t get that at all. I like….. can’t cope or something, idk. Anyway, he will be here through Sunday, which means he gets to come to church with us:) God, so many things I took for granted when he was here….. And then we get to spend another week together in the mountains next month! This is too much.

Don’t get it twisted….. I have dealt with (still dealing with) one disaster after another, lately. I mean, you wouldn’t believe it. But God is still so good, i’m still so blessed and SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO excited!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I feel like a kid lol. Thursday is going to be a fabulous, fabulous day.

Okay, i’m going to bed or something, idk. Just wanted to share.

Real discipleship.

I’m going to have to really ramble this because i’m pressed for time. I have to brave the mall. Never a good thing. Never a good thing. But I wanted to write about it while it’s still fresh on my mind.

Our pastor was preaching out of Luke (again. again. again. again. again. it’s okay. I love it lol.) oh wait…… first…..

I cannot handle his puns and jokes. I literally can’t even. No seriously:

49847125

No. I can’t.

tumblr_n32znmkRJY1rim445o1_500

For the road:

a4794bb4caf42dd1c47fcb7e67f19c37

There will probably never come a point in life where I am in a room of people, not feeling the slightest bit anxious, not on the verge of losing all of my faculties. Ever. If there is even .2% anxiety brewing inside of me, i’m going to be in kind of a goofy mood unless i’m REALLY mad or REALLY sad. Depending on how lame a joke is, I may never recover from laughing. I may never recover. I can’t handle puns lol. I can’t EVEN. And our pastor is NOTORIOUS for puns and silly jokes. He pulled out like three this morning and it took every bit of strength I had inside of me not to laugh the duration of the service and cause a scene. Let’s be clear, here. I totally take the message very seriously. I love listening to people preach. If I am dozing, I am obviously very, very, very, very tired. So I hate sending the signal that i’m not taking things seriously. I am just that person that will continue laughing WAY after the clock reads “it’s over”. I can’t even. He made a pun this morning and I had that moment of clarity where I realized “if I don’t stop right now, i’m going to have to walk out.” LOL. HOW NORMAL IS THAT? IS THAT EVEN NORMAL? AT ALL? No. It’s not lol.

Moving on.

He was preaching about what it means to be a REAL disciple of Christ. And i’m going to throw myself under a bus, here, and let it back over me a few times. I am probably one of the worst of all…… because I know better. I know better. And i’m going to get into that and share my excuses because i’m pathetic and this morning I was reminded of how pathetic I am…. because it has really been on my mind a lot lately. I’ve been having this internal tug of war and this morning’s message just drove the nail in the coffin.

Here is what we were reading from. And every time I read it, it becomes even more powerful. Never dull. Never “Oh, this again?” Never.

Luke 9:18-26New International Version (NIV)

Peter Declares That Jesus Is the Messiah

18 Once when Jesus was praying in private and his disciples were with him, he asked them, “Who do the crowds say I am?”

19 They replied, “Some say John the Baptist; others say Elijah; and still others, that one of the prophets of long ago has come back to life.”

20 “But what about you?” he asked. “Who do you say I am?”

Peter answered, “God’s Messiah.”

Jesus Predicts His Death

21 Jesus strictly warned them not to tell this to anyone. 22 And he said, “The Son of Man must suffer many things and be rejected by the elders, the chief priests and the teachers of the law, and he must be killed and on the third day be raised to life.”

23 Then he said to them all: “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me. 24 For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will save it.25 What good is it for someone to gain the whole world, and yet lose or forfeit their very self? 26 Whoever is ashamed of me and my words, the Son of Man will be ashamed of them when he comes in his glory and in the glory of the Father and of the holy angels.

Here is my take on the whole deal. For one, we KNOW who Jesus is. We don’t have to guess. If we are Christians, we absolutely know who Jesus is and what He is about. There is no room for other possibilities. It’s a sure thing. We know. We know his power. We know his glory. We know his authority. We know his righteousness. We know who our savior is. We believe he is everything he says he is. The kind of knowledge and awareness where if you focus on it hard enough, it’s almost impossible to not fall on your knees. That’s how aware we are of who Jesus is.

If we know who Jesus is, we will keep his commandments. Because we know they aren’t mere suggestions. They aren’t “well, maybe if you feel like it. Maybe if you get around to it. Maybe if it’s convenient. Maybe if it’s not too difficult.” There are no maybe’s and I am so ashamed that I know this with all of my heart and yet, many times, I do not keep  his commandments. I’m not even going to try to make myself sound good. I know I don’t. I know I don’t go hard like I could. Go hard like I should. I know this. And just by this admission, I am that much more guilty than those who aren’t aware. I am held more accountable because…… I KNOW better.

We are called to deny ourselves and take up our cross, daily.

This is why I think war is the best way to describe the Christian walk. It’s the best way to describe the importance of the mission set before us. I honestly cannot think of a better way to describe it. Which makes all of this prosperity gospel talk that much more insulting. Who prospers in war aside from those who squander land and resources which don’t belong to them? If we are fighting a noble war, the only way in way in which we prosper is in justice and freedom, things you can’t hold. You can reclaim land and resources and return them to their rightful owners but if you acquire something that wasn’t rightfully yours, you have stolen those things. That’s how I feel about seeking material things on your own accord…. making your own plans to acquire things that weren’t rightfully yours. Because all good things come from the Lord. I’m allover the place, i’m sorry but my mind is racing lol. But check it. This is what denying yourself *doesn’t* look like: Making your own plans. Setting up your own life. Pretty much the standard way of doing things. Making the plans and asking that God support you in those plans. Not seeking His will. Not following His lead. To me, it’s like going rogue in a time of war. Squandering resources that aren’t yours. Okay I need to get back on track lol……

War. That’s what this is. It’s war. And during war, you are focused so intently, there is no time to deviate from the plans. There is no time for squabbling and competing with your fellow soldiers. There’s no time to get hung up on minor complications. There’s no time to stop and party. There’s no time to look good. There’s no time to kick back and relax. You have a job to do and that’s what you do. Of course, it always depends on how serious it is and where you’re at in the war. People who are at a safe distance, back in the US, they have a little extra time to kick back. They have a little less to worry about. People on the ships have a little leeway, too. But the people on the front lines do not have time to mess around. And the true disciples of Christ are the ones that are on the front lines. If you really want to call yourself a disciple of Christ, you don’t have time to get sidetracked.

Sometimes, when i’m in church, when i’m not intently focused on the message….. maybe during a song…. maybe in the moments before service…… hang on, listen, i’m right there, too. I’m right there with everyone else so i’m not trying to judge anyone, I guess i’m judging all of us. But sometimes, I just see us all there, occupying that same space in time…. I look around at the building. The lights. The seating. The carpet. The pulpit. The instruments. The decor. I see people everywhere. I see all of the people. Some smiling, congregating…. some sitting…. some scolding their children…. some couples snuggled up together…. just all of these people, all of these things, all around me. And I think, if Jesus were to appear in front of us, what would he see? What would he think about what we’re doing with our time? Would he approve? And if we were to see Jesus, what would we do differently? My guess is: everything. As amazing as our worship service is, my guess is that we wouldn’t be doing ANY of it in the same manner if Jesus were to appear before us. Jesus would not be sitting through our routine worship service even ONCE, let alone return every Sunday. We wouldn’t continue on the way we usually do. Everything would change. He wouldn’t get the chance to sit through our service because the moment we became aware of his presence, everything would change.

When I think of Jesus…… when I think of what he did while he walked this earth…… when I think of what he has called us to do….. the words the repeat over and over and over and over in my head are, “GET. UP”. Seriously, just get up. What are you doing? What are you waiting for? I told you to go. I told you to get up. I told you to move. Why are you just sitting there? Get up.

And when I measure my life up against what he has called me to do, it doesn’t measure up. Not even a little bit. If this were actual war, my body would be in a mass grave somewhere with missing appendages. In war, if you don’t move, you’re dead. You can camp out for a little while but if you stay there long enough, you’ll be dead. That’s what’s up. If we stay in this spot long enough, if we stay in this routine long enough, we will be DEAD. The stakes are high. Souls are at stake. This isn’t a game to be taken lightly. I believe it with all of my heart. Everything around me will burn someday. All of it. It’s all going to go up in flames, none of this will matter. The clothes on my body, the makeup on my face, the ring on my finger, all of it will be gone. And was it worth it? This house that i’m living in will be dust someday. Nothing I have will matter. It doesn’t matter. It’s not more important than what I was called to do. My own COMFORT isn’t more important than what I was called to do. There will be rest but today just isn’t that day. And I think about that and it makes me sick with myself. I should be moving.

But i’m not.

Why? Because, honestly…… I know that if I were moving…… from the bottom of my heart, I know I would be moving alone. And that’s a tough pill to swallow. I know out of everyone in my own personal circle, I am the only one who sees “the mission” this way. I am the only one that recognizes the seriousness of it. Others around me would tell me to chill. They’d tell me to take it easy. They’d tell me what i’m doing is enough, when I know full well that it isn’t. Plans would continue to be made all around me and I wouldn’t be in any of them. I would be left out and left behind. Because I can’t think of a single person that I know who would give up everything to follow Jesus. I would…… but I don’t. I don’t because I fear being alone. I’ve got the tips of my toes in the world and I am holding on for dear life. Holding onto “my life”. Trying to keep “my life”. When I know I have been called to do the opposite. If I weren’t so convicted to get myself and my children to church, we wouldn’t go. None of us would. I hate to say this but I am the spiritual leader of the family. If I don’t do it, it doesn’t happen. If I don’t pray, we don’t pray. If I don’t read the bible, we don’t read the bible. This is just the truth. It’s the hard truth. And it’s tiring. It’s so tiring and it’s so thankless and it’s okay, I don’t need thanks, I don’t need rest…… but I know what time it is. I know that if I decided, “We’re doing this right. This is how it’s going down.” No one else would stand beside me. I’d be doing it alone. And I know i’m never alone, I know the one who goes before me, I know that….. but I still cling to this last shred of comfort that I have…..

Because it’s already hard enough. I already feel so detached from the world. I already feel so isolated like i’m seriously living in the truman show or something….. where nothing around me is real, nothing ever even makes sense, I don’t see things like people around me. And it creates this barrier where making a solid connection with another human being is almost impossible. I’m so scared that I will end up being “that lady”. That lady who literally no one gets. That lady who is always alone. That lady who became so detached from the world that people start to think she’s crazy. She’s losing it. That is the fear that stands in my way…… because i’d let all of this go. I’d let everything go. I’d let the house go. I’d let the car go. I could literally see myself selling everything I own if it came down to it. I’d live and breathe the mission day and night. Of course I would still have fun, i’d still live, i’d still be joyful it’s not like i’m saying that i’d turn into a robot. Absolutely not. God wouldn’t want that, i’m sure of it. I feel like when I smile, God smiles. When I laugh, God laughs, When I feel joy, God feels joy. But I would be taking my walk a LOT more seriously and making WAY more of an impact through intentional actions, rather than “oh I was in the right place at the right time.” And i’ve got so many things in my head, so many ideas, so many plans, of which i’m too scared to follow through with, i’m too scared of fully being alone in doing them. That’s pretty sad stuff right there. I see it all in my head and that’s where it stays because i’m basically chicken shit.

When does it end? When do I let that last thread go? When do I finally cut the cord and do it how I KNOW i’m supposed to? Am I waiting for someone else to take the initiative? What am I honestly waiting for?

I know exactly what it means to be a disciple of Christ and i’m not doing it. And so, i’m among the guiltiest of them all.